I want to preface that the contents of this post is for informational purposes. I do not condone or approve of any harassments or witch-hunting or the attacking of anybody.
 
Richard Lewis recently did a stream talking about the terrible state of CS esports and I thought it was an important stream anyone who cares about the CS community should listen to.
Vod Link here: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/830415547
I realize it is 3 hours long so I took it upon myself to create a list of interesting points from the stream so you don't have to listen to the whole thing, although I still encourage you to do so if you can.
I know this post is still long but probably easier to digest, especially in parts.
Here is a link to my raw notes if you for some reason want to read through this which includes some omitted stuff. It's in chronological order of things said in the stream and has some time stamps. https://pastebin.com/6QWTLr8T

Intro

• "The last month has convinced me, that we are going to be heading into a dark place for Counter-Strike esports in 2021."
  • "I think I've seen the scene essentially kill itself."
• "For the past 5 to 6 years, we've basically been in a holding pattern of people coming into our game wanting to run it, wanting to run all of the esports and wanting to profiteer and its been sort of a concerted effort to drive them off and push them away."
  • "We're spread way too thin."
• "If Riot don't get involved and stop the scumbags that have moved over to Valorant from getting their feet under the table, Valorant is going to have real problems."
• RL thinks too much has happened all at once for us to do anything except watch it play out, like:
  • Recent CSPPA strike against BLAST
  • ESIC failures and them not being supported enough
  • Teams cheating i.e. coaches/bugs
  • Widespread match fixing
  • The Pandemic
    • "People who try to hold bubble events are so incompetent and fuck up and people get the 'rona and its their fault."
    • "People who say Flashpoint is a bubble is full of shit and is a lie and people are now suffering for that lie."
      • "To save money they let people go home and break the bubble for a week."
      • "Not just Flashpoint peoples decision, they have a partner that handles the production." (hinting FACEIT)
      • "People are trapped in hotels essentially under house arrest because of COVID restrictions and has fucked peoples lives up."
• "It's all too much, all of this incompetence, all of this greed, maybe we ride it out."
  • RL says he has talked to the Riot devs (the ones working on Valorant) and says, "They are so cognizant of all the fuck ups and all the problems we have in Counter-Strike."
    • He continues to say that this is factored into their business plan and that we never had a competitor, but just so happens to have one coincide, when we are at our worst.

CSPPA - Counter-Strike Professional Players' Association

"Who does this union really fucking serve?"

• RL believes that the CSPPA is a mockery.
  
  • He points out the hypocrisy that they wouldn't strike for the pros who were kicked out of ESL Pro League, or for Jamppi or dream3r.
    • He also says ESL paid CSPPA and are racketeering and many other TOs have to pay them to get their "seal of approval"
      • He says they would strong-arm TOs saying "well if you don't give us the money, these guys are so we'll just have to commit to playing their event."
    • Also points out that they will strike against a competitor they are not in agreement with (Flashpoint)
    • RL: "It's what it says about every other time you haven't done it and it's about every time you don't do it now moving forward." "The issues they've chosen to ignore this year alone are embarrassing."
    • Then he points out that there was no strike for Valve qualifiers even if we have no major but Jamppi and dream3r can't play in them.
      • "and Valve have said 'Oh yeah we know actually their stories are accurate, Jamppi didn't cheat, now in a legally binding document. Yep dream3r did have his account hacked in a LAN café', but they still can't play. Where is the fucking solidarity? Gone. Doesn't exist. It's not important [because] it doesn't affect you." "That's what the union does right now, it looks after all the tier 1 people."
• He says the CSPPA doesn't represent all players all the time and has driven a divide where you have the haves and have-nots
  
  • "We have a tier of players that operate with impunity and do not help their tier 2 or tier 3 players out at all." "If you are not a tier 1 player you do not matter, they don't event ask your opinion."
  • He tells chrisJ to admit and own the fact that the reason he didn't speak up during the ESL Pro League debacle is because it didn't affect him
  • "They are looking after some players at the expense of other players. How the fuck is that a union?"
• He says the BLAST situation is a reasonable dispute and supports the players but is not the right time for a strike and have not even identified the correct enemy
  
  • He thinks players are lashing out now due to previous incidents and are upset that BLAST are working with ESIC
    • He stated that CSPPA shouldn't beefing with ESIC and they should be working in harmony
  • He says what they need to do is talk with the teams/organizations that have sold that right to BLAST
    • RL: "Your employers, the people who pay you that massive exorbitant salaries, when you don't stream and you don't do interviews and you offer no value beyond your ability to click heads and you get 25k dollars a month." "Why don't you talk to them about it? Oh right. You're happy to take away BLAST's paper, but you don't want to risk your own."
  • "I am seeing such unbelievable cowardice from the players here with the battles you choose."
  • "Where was the strike action when in the qualifiers for the world championship, there were teams and players engaged in huge conflicts of interest?" "Where was the strike action when your image rights were taken and sold to every league you've ever been in every union type organization you've ever been associated with like, WESA, to your org every time you sign a contract, to the leagues you play in."
    • "Your image rights are essentially worthless now, there's about 10 fucking separate parties that have them, and how many of them are giving you anything for it? Not much pretty much your org by the way."
    • "That's a big issue. Your image is you, your image is your brand. What are you doing about that? Nothing."
• He is also angry at SirScoots who is "popping off" at people on Twitter who all want the same thing, which is 'A unified Counter-Strike scene for everybody, that works for everybody, that has a sustained ecosystem that nourishes everybody.' "We don't have that now."
  
• He also says their rankings are a joke
  
  • "Just so happened, oh look TACO, that very important prominent member of the board, we pushed his team artificially up when they weren't even in the fucking top 20, not by a long shot."
• He also says the ineptitude of the CSPPA cost Flashpoint a monitor sponsor
  
• "Is it really a player association or is it like a fucking agency at this point"
  

ESIC - Esports Integrity Commission

"They have been put in an impossible position."

• RL says that Ian Smith, the founder of ESIC and who was done work in mainstream sports, is a good and honorable man who has dedicated his life to integrity and sports. He takes on both sides, ensuring match fixers are punished, but also doing appeals and ensuring those punishments were fair.
• "ESIC is a tiny organization" and are in need of money, "They didn't run a grift like the CSPPA did."
  • "Saying 'you want our support and you want the players to turn up you better pay us.' They don't do that."
  • "Had startup seed money from MTG and since then they've been pecking shit with the hens."
    • Ian Smith made sure that the money given by MTG (Modern Times Group, parent company of ESL, ESEA, DreamHack) was nothing more than startup money and wouldn't be in debt to them
      • Ian Smith sat down with other TO's not part of MTG and wanted to partner with them. They declined and called ESIC "ESL spies and we will never align ourselves with you"
  • "They only were just able to afford, hiring a PR guy on a full time salary to deal with the press and send out those releases you've seen, this year."
    • "They have a tiny group of staff investigating these things and they have taken on the biggest problems in our scene: the cheating, the match fixing."
• ESIC have had "unprecedented levels of cheating to deal with, because there's something wrong with our scene ever since we went online. There's something wrong with it, everyone's lost their fucking pride and self-respect and they got no passion for it anymore, so they think fuck it, what's in it for me?"
  • He calls out coaches who are talking about players rights when they would rob and steal from them.
    • Also says more coaches being banned are coming
    • He also points out flaws in community's reaction to the punishments to coaches bans: "Half of the cunts still have jobs and some of the cunts got new jobs. We didn't even shun the cheating coaches."
• ESIC have "found I think another 2 or 3 exploits like that one and they are investigating them all right now, it's going on right now."
  
  • "I know that there are going to be more names getting banned, again."
  • "So they're doing that on a skeleton crew while, investigating 3 continents worth of match fixing in MDL and semi-pro level CS." "They're doing this with half a dozen people." "They don't have any money or any help. People barely even fucking cooperate with them, they are treated like pariahs. It's ridiculous."
    • "Why are the CSPPA popping off at ESIC on my Twitter timeline, when you should be working together." "because its all about what's in it in for me." "2020, the online era of CS: 'What is in it for me?' How can I cheat, how can I get my paper, how can I bleed this scene one last time before I fuck off and play shooty shooty bang bang Riot Games babys first fps."
• RL says that in the CIS region, teams have gone to tournaments and have been eliminated multiple times by the same team. We found out they were cheating and those players who lost, have been cut from their roster, careers ended because of cheaters.
  

Stream Sniping

"They're all at it in the online era, they're all at it, they're all cheating, they're all using exploits, probably that see through smoke bug got used a bunch of times"

• RL talks about how there is no integrity from dead (the player), always denying when caught doing something
  • On the topic of 'BLAST never said we couldn't stream snipe': "Lies, BLAST never said you could do that, they had to sort of retcon it." "because what happened after that they fucking started snitching and squealing"
    • "Suddenly you had like, 10 of the top 15 teams in the world, staring into the abyss of being banned for 6-12 months in line with ESIC recommendations."
      • He says that ESIC was put in a tough situation and couldn't enforce the bans because it would have resulted in killing CS. What resulted was, BLAST, ESIC, and teams came together and gave them a warning and told them, in RL's words "don't do this again or you're gonna get got."
        • He then says the top teams brushed this off and didn't give a fuck
        • The new MiBR team playing Flashpoint, that wasn't involved in the previous incidents are doing it again (stream sniping). He gave credit to Flashpoint for the quick resolution and punishment and respect for cogu's response to the situation.
        • "ESIC came out and said, once more, 'Guys, zero tolerance from now on.'" RL then got upset at community's reaction calling ESIC "pussies" for their non enforcement and said if we want competitive CS we cant ban the top 10 teams.
• He points out how players have no integrity and will do anything for an edge as long as they won't get detected or banned or it's within a grey area.
• "All of this shit was mad avoidable, even in the pandemic era."
  • He talks about why aren't we filming them. Why aren't there representatives for leagues and tournaments making sure players aren't cheating?

Match Fixing

"How many years have we let our scene be fucking pillaged by these greedy cunts?" "We just let it happen."

• RL says that gambling and skins betting which existed in moderation was "accelerated and blown up by the Call of Duty greedy fucks."
  • "Never forget TmarTn was on the board of EnVyUs." "His website, CSGOLotto, they had a bunch of off-the-books sponsorships." "NBK promoted them. People forget."
• "Those people who had access to the skins, go to the players" "Even people like s1mple, best player in the world, even he scammed knives and skins off fucking fans."
• Owners of skin casino sites would approach pros and lend them skins to use in tournaments and possibly keep them after reaching a deal
  • Players would tip off inside info about matches and teams in exchange for skins. Info such as: roster changes, how they played in scrims
    • They would use this info to bet and subvert the odds on their sites. "That happened religiously, I can't even tell you how many times it happened."
      • "I had access to the biggest database of information, from an inside betting circle in NA, and it would take information and screenshots from other pro players, who were feeding them info in exchange for money or skins."
        • "Some of these players are still playing." "Incredibly, there are players still in the CSPPA today, complaining about the BLAST recordings, that were embroiled in this murky shit back then."
• RL also says that there were tournaments where teams contrived with each other, who should throw, who should win.
• "There's a handful of people that are trying to fucking clean it up, and you think you get something over the line and you see something like the CSPPA and it's run by corrupt fucking chuckle heads, and now you've got another corrupt body you have to fight on a fucking daily basis, it's demoralizing."
  • "It's too far gone. Our entire semi-professional scene is compromised."
• "It's rife guys, I'm not going to lie any more. It's not just China, it's not just Russia, it's here, it's NA, it's Europe, it's Australia, so much more than you think, so much more than we can prove."
  • "I get sent chat logs all the time […] and they're morons, these players, short-sighted, amateur, morons and they're doing it on WhatsApp." People would get cut from the bets because they want to make more money, then they leak the logs. He says, from the chat logs, they spread "little" bets across every site they can (400 to 1k dollars) to prevent shifting odds
• He says the scumbags who've fucked off to Valorant will do the same there if Riot doesn't do something and says Valorant "is an esports scene heading for a very early fall based on the sheer volume of scumbags that are already there."
• "That's tier 2 CS in a nutshell these days. They know they're never going to play in a major, so what's the punishment?"
  • "All of these tier 2 fucks that are fixing games now they are like the fucking mafia compared to iBuyPower" "These guys are working with organized criminals to fix entire seasons worth of games. That's what's going on in your tier 2 CS."
• "I'm literally being told that there are players fixing games at all levels of Chinese esports and motherfuckers with guns are turning up to team houses and stuff."

North America

"Everyone in NA has left we've lost a continents worth of support during this pandemic and Valve haven't said a fucking word."

• RL says the Call of Duty "goblins" that destroyed CS for years are the same people who are now trying to leave CS. "The nerve to treat a game where the fans, and the community, and the TO's were nothing but good to you." "To just kick the players out now and go and leave and say 'It just doesn't make financial sense.' Oh you'll slither back when we have a major though for them stickers won't you."
• There's a cascading effect in NA where people don't bother with CS anymore and people like Chaos suffer.
• He says NA team owners are incompetent for always wanting it easy and always wanting a guarantee on their investment without skill or nuance.
  • RL says he would be able to market a team correctly and would have a good ROI and also points out how TSM wouldn't even be bothered to tweet that their team, which was one of the best in the world, was playing at the Major.
  • He also says not all NA owners are like that, compliments and respects Jason Lake who nearly lost everything to keep Complexity going.
• He then calls out the incompetence in Infinite Esports when they acquired OpTic Gaming and bought an Indian CS team.
  • He says HECZ is not to blame here and that they couldn't tell forsaken was cheating when it was so obvious.
    • They measured his reaction time to the likes of dev1ce and s1mple
    • When an enemy showed up on his screen he won that duel something like 44% of the time
    • "was like the number 1 player in the world statistically"
    • He brought a laptop to their bootcamp and refused to use the high end PCs that hey provided
• He respects Andy Miller (NRG CEO) and HECZ but says that the attitude of not being able to easily monetize their teams is "piss weak" and there needs to be a risk.
  • He says Chaos EC shouldn't be cutting their roster and should be competent enough to be able to figure out how to make money off their team.
• He says there are still opportunities in NA and people are panicking and pulling out, and says Valorant will be the same if not worse.
  • He also says "bums" who couldn't even get out of groups in NA competitions, are making crazy money in Valorant and says it will continue to inflate.
• He also said that he heard rumors that EG (Evil Geniuses) are done.
• He also thinks that the rumors of a Valve franchised league from before was sparked up from "these lazy fabled weak NA fucking team owners basically trying to see if Valve would bite at the hook if it was dangled and they didn't"
  • Slasher says NA team owners are really in favor of franchised leagues because they want to make more money. "Most of the powerful team owners right now are on board with ditching this third party organization structure, or they are trying to play this power politics with all the TOs, and that is contributing to a lot of the problems there"
• RL says that Riot has proved they can run a franchised league (LCS) and will be profitable in 2021 which is what a lot of team owners care about and says the competition will only serve to snatch people away from CS.
• RL continues to say, "I am so sick and tired of what we have done to this scene, I am just exhausted with it." "I think we have legitimately fucked it, I really think we have. I think we're staring into almost like a CGS (Championship Gaming Series) wasteland in NA." "Counter-Strike esports is a fucking joke."

Talent

"TO's have treated CS talent like absolute human garbage for years now."

• RL says that people like Sean Gares and ddk switching over to Valorant isn't for financial reasons because they are making less over there.
• He points out that TO's can't even give talent a 3 month in advance calendar.
• Because of the pandemic TO's won't hire certain people and some people are working more hours for the same money.
• He says we as a community don't respect journalists enough which is why we don't have good journalists.
  • He also says DeKay is leaving the scene soon and that Thorin is close to leaving also
• He says he had to talk a caster down from quitting and was struggling to find reasons.
• He says that DreamHack told Vince they would hire him but not if he wants to stick with dusT and says that this is the norm in esports. "Constant leveraging of people against each other." and says this is why we don't have a talent union.
• New gen casters are getting put into shit situations and the community's reaction to them is adding fuel to the fire
• He says the reason Moses left was because of the terrible conditions
• He says that Anders had to constantly leave his family and kid because someone fucked up or broke promises and had to constantly tell his kid to their face that "daddy can't be home this weekend."
• He says that esports has always been a lie to sell you this dream, "Meanwhile there's about 2% of the cunts getting all the checks."

Valve

"Anything that Riot does, is better than Valve's inaction"

• Slasher says that the larger aspect of esports as a whole compared to other entertainment mediums and Valve's lack of inattention are the bigger problems. He continues saying that the fact that Valve let their game be ran as an esport, they need to take on the responsibilities of it.
  • Both Slasher and RL wants Valve to take control but not on the level of Riot Games, there needs to be a balance.
• In case it was ever a question: Gabe Newell has been to 0 CSGO Majors.
• RL calls Valve out saying they could have done something during the gambling era.
• He says Valve used to come to the majors, but doesn't think they do anymore.
• RL had met with Valve at the Cluj-Napoca Major and had tried to appeal iBP's indefinite punishment and had also gave Brax's life story:
  • A recent family member passed away, they had lost a lot of income, they had to live in trailer, iBuyPower did not pay any salaries, and was pressured by family to make money who didn't support his career.
  • RL said that Valve told him, "How dare you try and make us feel guilty." "We shouldn't feel bad about enforcing the only thing that matters that we need to make players afraid of: cheating and match fixing"
  • RL also tried to share other info about match fixing and nothing came of it
• RL points out that Source 2 or a new engine is not something you will want based on the experience of transitioning from CS 1.6 to CS:S. "Valve's track record with brand new engines being launched, not fucking great from what I remember."
• Slasher says "If there is anything the community should do, is pressure Valve to hire a community manager."
  • They say that we need a commissioner, a community manager (not the person who runs the Twitter who posts memes all day), then we need to have a circuit
• RL reiterates that Valve doesn't care about CS esports and says they need to change the culture at Valve to make them care about CS esports
  • Slasher says a systemic problem is making it so working on CSGO would be a bad decision for you as an employee for Valve
• He also hasn't talked to Valve in ages and have sent over bugs and cheats and doesn't get emails back anymore
• Slasher says we should be directing attention at the developer leads, pointing out Ido Magal, if he even is still the project lead
  • RL thinks that Ido and Brian are the only people that "vaguely even give a fuck about CS" and were the only people that RL recalled that actually read Reddit and paid attention from time to time
• "It is really fucking precarious. Somebody has got to step the fuck up and start giving a shit"
  • Slasher suggests org owners, with CSPPA, with ESIC, with TOs have a concerted effort against Valve
• "Riot Games are doing better things than Valve in the esports space" which is something RL didn't think he'd say.
• "People who used to be talent, working with unions, arguing with other talent, when the unions fucked them over, can't understand their perspective, TOs fucking over broadcast talent, broadcast talent wanting to leave and go and work for orgs, orgs having no money, Valve might take coaches away because all the coaches are cheating, ESIC has about 4 people in a fucking call doing the investigations, everyone thinks they're spies for ESL, ESL are just the evil fucking overlords wanting to rule the scene and will just somehow, like cockroaches outliving a nuclear bomb, and Valve are in a fucking holiday in Hawaii thinking about the next Dota character because they don't give a fuck about us."

Closing Statements

"We've peaked. If we want to sustain and exist, now is the time to figure it out. No esports lasts as long as this, we've already done 8 years. We've already broke the records. We have got to figure out a way to coexist and drive the negative forces out and we need to do it as a collective and we're not doing that."

• RL compared the Counter-Strike scene to the people on the Titanic who ran around with guns robbing people while the boat was sinking.
• "We have given up on being a respectable esports scene." "We are now a conduit to make money for those who want to just milk it, just have one last ride, one last roll of the dice. It's done." "What a fucking mess. What have we done to our fucking scene?"
• "There's just too much self-interest driving all of this." "I don't see a way we stop the dominoes." "When it's that bad, when there's that many dishonest people that ESIC have to come out and say that if we punish them all there's no one left. What does that tell you?"
• "How many opportunities have we had to clean house? How many times have we said, 'this must never happen again', and another scandal." "The entire skins betting operations was the biggest criminal conspiracy in esports ever executed and no one has been punished for it." "The people who could be driving that don't want to."
• "Right now people are fans of those organizations because the scene has value. It is worth being a fan of Astralis because they are excellent at Counter-Strike. It is worth being a fan of s1mple because he is the best player in Counter-Strike, maybe the exception of ZywOo. If the scene is devalued, if the scene loses its meaning, those things lose its meaning too, and people will leave, people will stop tuning into the games. I have seen it happen in multiple esports, this is not my first time at the rodeo. I am getting big Brood War vibes right now and I don't like it."
• "The role you play in all of this as fans, as viewers, as listeners, as consumers of esports content, it's absolutely imperative that you know who the good guys are. It's absolutely imperative that you use your voice. It's absolutely imperative that when things are bad, you know who, at least, is trying to make them good, and you have to apply your criticism to the right targets."
  • He continues saying it's no good in continuing to attack ESIC and saying how they are bad, ESIC have it hard
• He says CSPPA are on the right side of the argument on BLAST but have been on the wrong side of many arguments many times.
  • "If you are not willing to stand along side the weakest member of the union, with the least amount of influence, and the least amount of power, then it is not a union at all and you shouldn't pose as one." "You wanna serve a bunch of special interest do it, everyone else in esports fucking does, but do not pose as something you are not." "We love the players. I've been fighting for players rights for as long as I've been able to, but the CSPPA is not what we needed."
    • "They are not applying the pressure to the right people, they are not fighting the right battles, they are not helping their weaker members."
• He says what orgs have done by keeping or hiring coaches is bad. "When you give up on holding an appreciable standard, you've lost the scene" "Competition matters, rules matter, punishments matter, achievements matter, excellence matters" "If you start stripping that away, you have nothing" "You guys need to take that knowledge and apply it sensibly."
• "Valve has sold you all down the river, they sold everyone in the esports scene down the river, tournament organizers are selling their talent down the river. Don't hate on them for sounding tired after a 16 hour day. Don't hate on them because the hype for a matchup they've seen for the 20th time in the past 3 months, they can't be as excited or it sounds contrived. Support your guys, they're there for you, these are your people."
• "This community has got to start acting like one for the first fucking time. Just put the petty shit away, let's try and fix this fucking scene while we still have one to save."
• "You can't rely on Valve, you can't rely on ESL, you can't rely on the CSPPA, you can't rely on anyone." "Once again, it's gonna be the likes of us, the amateurs, the people who give a fuck, rolling up our sleeves and grafting." "I'm old and tired and I don't want to have to do it again. People need to pick up the torch and do it."
  • "Like Michal did, like Dudenhoeffer did. You see something wrong, fix it. You see somebody doing something wrong, call it out. If you think something could be better, let people know."
• "Vote with your wallets if you're not happy with the direction Valve goes in. If when we do get to the Major, they serve up another subpar, same old bullshit stickers and signatures package again, do not buy it."
  • "You're a powerful block and if you use it correctly we can fucking avert this disaster."
• "I'm not doing another year in this broken, bust-up fucking scene, where everyone is miserable, everyone is broke, everyone is tired, and everyone is trying to fucking rob everyone else, blind, while the fucking people who are meant to be protecting you, are just fucking enhancing it and lining their own pockets."
  • "I'm not doing it anymore and you shouldn't want to do it either."
• "I stand by every fucking thing I said. I mean it, because this game fucking matters to me, this scene fucking matters to me. I put my life into this, my adult life, and to see it in this state is fucking sad."

Note: I was technically supposed to post this earlier this week, but noticed that no one was signed up for today (plus I was super busy earlier), so I'm posting a bit late, under a throwaway account! Fair warning: I'm VERY verbose, so this will be long!
Section One: Assets and Debt
As I mentioned above, I make $56k per year as an administrator in higher education. My husband (K) just got a raise to making $155k per year. He works as a lawyer, has been in the workforce for about 12 years. I won't get into too many details but he works for a small boutique firm, not Biglaw. He also sometimes gets a yearly bonus of around $10k-20k but it's not guaranteed or anything like that. K and I have totally combined finances, so the below numbers are for both of us. I have a humanities PhD but I decided to leave academia and find an alt-ac job. My current position has good work-life balance (I never work past 5 pm), but pays terribly and my university is very badly run. I'm hoping to leave higher education all together in the future and am currently enrolled in a certificate program to try to make a career transition to instructional design.
The big elephant in the room is that my husband, K, makes a lot more money than me. When we first met, he was paying off massive amounts of student loans and making much less, and I was debt free with a lot of savings, so we both spent about the same amount. Now he makes 3x what I make and we are both debt-free, so the difference is much more noticeable. We do argue about money sometimes (more in the past), but the reality is that I have a humanities PhD and will likely never out earn him, and he knew that when I married him, lol. Because of all the labor I do around the house and in our lives to support him as he works a much more intense job, I was very clear that I believed we should split our finances equally as soon as we got married. We don't have separate accounts and we generally check in with one another whenever we are planning to spend more than $100. This system works for us for now.
I also want to address the question about parental or family support. Although I technically paid all of my own bills since I got my Bachelor's degree, my parents supported me a lot by paying for my flights home to visit at Christmas or in the summer as Xmas presents/birthday presents. My parents also paid for my undergraduate degree (and K's parents paid for his undergraduate degree as well). They also gave us about $15k to pay for our wedding.
Finally, my parents recently gave me $20k as an "early inheritance." They told me they plan to do this every year (depending on the stock market). We put this money into a brokerage. I don't consider my parents rich, as they both worked hourly jobs in health care my entire life (as a nurse and respiratory therapist - both with only associate's degrees). We never owned a new car, when we went on vacation we stayed in hostels , and shopped almost exclusively at Goodwill. But they scrimped and saved and now they have over $1 million in a retirement account. So I want to acknowledge my financial privilege in that I came from this kind of background. K's parents are similar.
Retirement Balance: $186k (combination of 401k, 403b, 457, 2 Roth IRAs, and taxable brokerage account).
Equity: None, we rent.
Savings account balance: Approximately $45k.
Checking account balance: Right now, around 8k.
Credit card debt: Right now, around $3k. But we pay it off each month with our checking account balance.
Student loan debt: $0. We finally paid off my husband’s law school loans (around $130k), last year. I didn’t have any student loans from undergrad (parents paid) and my MA & PhD were fully funded.
Section Two: Income
Income Progression: I’ve been working in my current field for 3 years. I started off making about $53k and got tiny 2% “merit increases” twice. Then in July my payroll title was changed, which triggered a required raise of about $2k. (I am dramatically underpaid).
Before my current position, I was in academia. I worked as a visiting assistant professor for one year at my alma mater (made $50k for 9 months of work) and before that I was a graduate student for 7 years. I was paid $18k-21k in stipends each year and my tuition & benefits were covered. Luckily, I lived in a very low cost of living area and this was enough for me to live on without going into debt. I got my PhD in 2017. Before I was a graduate student, I taught English in Japan for three years and made around $36k per year. In high school and college, I had random jobs that provided grocery/spending money, but I was lucky enough to have parents that paid my tuition and my rent in college.
I’m currently trying to make a career change (as you will see in my diary) and enrolled in a certificate program which runs from Autumn 2020 to Spring 2021 in order to help with that.
Main Job Monthly Take Home: $7,634. This probably seems low relative to our joint income, but we max out our 401k (K) and 403b (me). I work for the state government, which means I’m also eligible for something called a Deferred Compensation Plan (457b). This is basically the same as a 401k but you can withdraw contributions and gains from the account at any age without penalty (of course, you still have to pay taxes). I also max this out, and the limit is the same as a 401k/403b - $19.5k. Also this number is before K’s raise is accounted for. It won’t increase until his end of February paycheck.
Other deductions - I have health insurance taken out (about $80 a month for me, K’s firm covers his premiums) and taxes. WA has no state taxes, so it’s only federal taxes. I used to have to pay $50 / month for a bus pass (K's was free), but I don’t pay any longer because I’m working from home during COVID.
Final note - the sum I mentioned in the headline includes a variable bonus my husband gets. My base pay is $56k and his is $155k (as of February 1). This year he also got a bonus of $20k, which is set up a bit strangely. About $4k of this was structured as a 3% matching contribution to his 401k and the rest was taxable income. In small law firms, it’s unusual to get any 401k match so this was nice.
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: None.
Any Other Monthly Income Here: We get some interest from our savings account… like $25 a month.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: Rent comes to approximately $2,050 total for a one-bedroom apartment. Rent itself is $1886, then we have pet rent ($25 per month), bicycle parking ($15 a month) and water / sewage / gas, which is usually $120-150 (variable cost).
Renters insurance: $157.76, paid annually. $13 a month.
Retirement contribution: In addition to the 401k, 403b, and 457, which all come out before taxes, we max out our Roth IRAs. That means $500 each per month per person (for a yearly total of $6k each). As I noted up top, we match out our 401k and 403b (19,500 each) and our 457. My employee also offers a 7.5% match. K's employee offers a 3% match but it is included in his yearly bonus so it's not guaranteed (confusing).
Savings contribution: We put $500 per month into our emergency fund. We also put about $860 a month into our “sinking fund,” which covers large and small annual or sporadic purchases such as vacations, gifts, Amazon Prime renewal, car insurance and renters insurance, etc.
Investment contribution: $875 per month into a taxable brokerage at Vanguard.
In total, we save about 47% of our gross income. We can do this because we keep our housing cost low relative to our high income, we don’t have any debt remaining, we don’t have any kids or parents who need financial support, and we’re very privileged in a lot of ways. We are hoping to FIRE within 10 years.
Debt payments: None.
Donations: We budget $100 per month for donations, which includes one-time donations as well as some reoccurring donations. My husband does pro bono work as well. I would like to increase this by quite a bit, but I still have a hard time budgeting for donations because I spent 7 years living on approximately $20k a year. To go from that to making more than 10x that amount within 3-4 years is obviously something that I am very privileged for, but it is still hard for me emotionally to comprehend at times.
Electric: ~$50-100 (billed every other month)
Wifi/Cable/Landline: An extortionate $87.12 for slow internet that only works for Zoom calls about half the time. Do I really live in one of the tech cities of the future?
Cellphone: $170 (This includes both service and paying off two new iPhones. We could have paid them off up front, but it was actually cheaper by like $50 to go on a payment plan.)
Subscriptions: BritBox ($7.70), Spotify ($16.50), HBOMax ($16.50), We Hate Movies Patreon (my favorite podcast - $8.81). My parents pay for Netflix and my sister pays for Hulu, and we all share.
Gym membership: None. K and I both run and do yoga with YouTube videos. Before the pandemic, we went to yoga classes pretty frequently in person. I’d like to do some online synchronous yoga classes but find it hard to make time.
Pet expenses: Varies, but I budget $50 per month and also include an emergency fund for my cat’s vet bills in our sinking fund. She’s 11 years old and probably asthmatic, so I know her vet bills are going to increase over time.
Car payment / insurance: We own our car outright. Insurance billed yearly is $2,097, about $174 per month.
Regular therapy: $0
Paid hobbies: Nothing regular, sporadic language classes and art supplies.
Other expenses: Right now I’m doing a certificate to hopefully help with a career change. The total cost for tuition is about $5k and we already saved it up (included in our 'sinking fund') basically through spending less during the pandemic. I’ve paid two quarters so far, and the last quarter (due in March) will be a bit more - about $2.3k.
__________
Day 1
Morning: I wake up at 5:30 am. Ever since the pandemic, my sleep schedule has been shot. At first, I was so happy not to have to leave the house at 7:15 for my 45 minute bus commute and I slept in a lot. But the stress (and maybe getting old?) has made me an early riser, no matter how much I try to sleep in. I do value my early mornings with just me, my cat, and my coffee, though.
I start work at 8 am and begin by triaging my emails. I have a bunch of deadlines this week, so it’s busier than usual. My job tends to be very seasonal, and sometimes I have a ton of work and sometimes I have none and can work on other longer-term projects. I have a piece of toast for breakfast and place a Whole Foods delivery order for the following day at 10:30 am. We made a meal plan and put everything in the cart the day before ($117.36, including tip).
Afternoon: I have my lunch break from noon to 1 pm. It doesn’t really matter when I take my lunch break, since I’m salaried, but the others in my office are hourly so in the before times we used to always close our office during the same time. I have a piece of leftover delivery pizza and some spinach risotto that I made a few days earlier. I also have half a brownie – the last one from a batch I made a few days ago (K gets the other half). He also has leftovers for lunch.
I should say at this point that both K and I are lucky enough to have been working almost entirely from home since early March. An area near Seattle was one of the first places to get hit by COVID-19, and my state and both of our employers have been taking it very seriously ever since. Working from home hasn’t always been easy since we live in a 600-square foot apartment. Also, there is a three-story townhouse being built directly next door to us and I can hear the pounding in my dreams at this point.
Around 2 pm, I go for a 2-mile run. I feel like some money diarists tend to toss off things like “oh, I went for an easy 7 mile run,” at the drop of a hat, so I want to be clear – running for 2 miles isn’t easy for me; it’s exhausting, annoying, sweaty, and generally gross. Also I am very slow. But it has kept me sane during quarantine.
Meanwhile, my husband goes to our local pet store to get an enzymatic cleaner (our cat peed in one of our suitcases… I think it’s probably a lost cause, but it was basically brand new, so worth a try) and special weight-loss cat food. Our cat is an 11-year-old rescue from the Humane Society and she is a chonky girl. We had to sign a waiver when we adopted her, saying that we understood that she was very overweight, lol. Our vet recommended a special diet food, rather than just restricting her intake as we have been doing, so we will give it a try ($78). My husband also stops buy our local wine store and picks up two bottles. We’ve been doing a dry January, so this will be our first drink for a while ($27.53).
I have a phone interview scheduled for 4 pm – just a preliminary interview with an internal recruiter. It’s the first ‘corporate’ job interview I’ve ever had, since I’ve been in academia my entire life. I’m trying to make a pivot into instructional design / training and development. I’m just excited to get an interview. It seems to go pretty well, but who knows. They tell me they will probably get back to me by the end of this week.
Evening: My husband whips up a random meal of fridge remnants – pesto pasta with sausage and a fridge salad with feta and bell peppers. It’s pretty tasty with a little Sauvignon Blanc. During dinner, we play a card game we call gin rummy, although it bears no resemblance to the actual game. After dinner, I make a chocolate cake with orange buttercream frosting and we watch Cobra Kai.
Daily total: $222.89
Day 2
Morning: Up early again, a piece of toast for breakfast (very exciting). We’re out of eggs until our Whole Foods order arrives. I’m working on creating some tedious but necessary spreadsheets this morning.
Noon: Our Whole Foods order arrives around noon. Excitement! They’ve given us a half-rotten bag of romaine lettuce and substituted pecans for hazelnuts. I should probably just double mask and go to Trader Joe’s myself (our regular spot, only a 5-minute walk from my apartment). I’m just getting anxious about these new variants.
I have leftover meatloaf and spinach risotto again for lunch. Lots of meetings and more organizing spreadsheets in the afternoon. Around 3 pm, I go for my daily ritual - a 20-minute walk around my neighborhood. It’s still raining slightly but I need to get out. Halfway through the walk, I get an email from my apartment manager telling me the apartment will no longer accept debit card payments, direct deposit, or credit card payments for paying rent. In other words, only checks or money orders (?!). Ugh. Our lease is up in 4 months and we will not be renewing our lease. Our last apartment manager was a gambling addict who may have been stealing people’s identities, but by God, he kept things working. Ever since they fired him, this place has been going downhill.
Evening: I check my bank statements to update my budget spreadsheet and realize that I have been billed the wrong amount of rent. They actually charged me less than they should have. I don’t trust my apartment manager not to start charging me a late fee or something for this, so I call them up. They are baffled by how to fix this, which you would think would be the one thing you would want to get right, if you’re renting out apartments.
K cooks dinner – steak with a Roquefort sauce and glazed brussels sprouts. It’s from a French cookbook we recently bought and it is delicious. I work on classwork for my certificate program while he cooks. After dinner, I do the dishes and buy the 13th season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I watch the first episode – lots of shocking twists and turns! I’m planning to watch the rest of the episodes together with my younger sister, M ($22.01).
Daily total: $22.01
Day 3
Morning: K has an 8 am dentist appointment, so he takes off early. He already paid for the work last month, so there’s no charge. I have a piece of toast for breakfast and get to work checking my emails. It’s 8:20 am and the construction crew building a townhouse next door is blasting mariachi music. I’m glad someone is having fun. At least the sun is coming out.
Someone at work has made a critical error, but it wasn’t me, thank God. I was the one who found out about it, but it’s still going to cause a big old headache for me. I’m ready to be done with this job. K and I go for a run so that I can exhaust myself enough to no longer be furious about said careless error.
Noon: I have leftover spinach risotto and meatloaf again – exciting. I’m busy at work but frankly, not a lot going on other than that. Still no word about fixing my rent payments. I’m not really willing to pursue this any further at this point.
Evening: I start making chili (Turkey Chili from the NY Times) and cornbread (from my new cookbook, Jubilee). K is doing some work on our investments when he announces that, somehow, a transfer was scheduled from our checking account to our savings account of $55k (?!) We obviously don’t have $55k in our checking account, so we start frantically trying to figure out what’s going on. Numerous phone calls later, we still don’t know if that was a hack, if my husband somehow mistakenly scheduled the transfer himself, or if the bank messed it up. Either way, it doesn’t seem like any harm was done since the bank with our checking account just declined the transaction. But it seems really strange and worrisome. We get to work changing the passwords on all of our accounts, just in case it was some kind of hack.
After dinner (and chocolate cake), I have a Zoom happy hour with a local friend. We occasionally see each other outside but it’s nice to have a longer chat from the comfort of our living rooms. We both love murder mysteries, so we signed up for a service where a company sends us letters with clues and we try to solve the mystery together. It’s a fun way to stay connected and look forward to something during the pandemic. The service costs about $15 per month, but I paid for it in lump sum for 3 months, so it’s not included in my budget above. I drink some wine and we vent about work (we work at the same place) before getting started on the puzzle.
Daily total: $0
Day 4
Morning: I sleep in a bit, which is nice. Get up around 7 am. My parents are both getting their 2nd vaccine today – they’re both in their 70s and I am so relieved. I send my mom a “congratulations on being vaccinated!” text and we chat for a bit. I have leftover cornbread with honey and butter for breakfast – soooo good.
Work is not particularly exciting today, but someone sends me a last-minute request for something that does not need to be so urgent. I feel annoyed. Still no word from the interviewers on Monday, and I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t selected to move forward. Too bad. K pays for a Wordpress website for the year (it’s a work-related website, but sadly his work doesn’t reimburse him). It costs $92.48.
Noon: The mariachi music is particularly loud today. I stand out on my balcony in the sun for a while and watch the workers. It’s been interesting seeing a house go up next door in real time, especially since I’m at home all the time. The workers are balancing on the top of the third story wall without, as far as I can see, anything like a safety line. It seems unsafe, but I presume they know what they’re doing.
We booked a cabin for the upcoming weekend in the Hood Canal region of Washington to do some hiking and birdwatching. I want to be as safe as possible and not go to any grocery stores or risk spreading COVID in any way while I’m there, so I place another grocery order with Whole Foods just for some special treats for the weekend. The cabin has a small kitchen and a grill, so we’re planning to make a fancy steak salad on Saturday. I order chips and hummus, some fancy cheese and meats, Tate’s cookies (I’ve heard a lot of good things about these), a baguette, and the ingredients for the steak salad. I also order a few staples I forgot in our last order, like sweet potatoes, more coffee, and half and half. It comes to $87.41, including tip, but that does include like $30 worth of steak. For some reason, I can’t order a small amount of steak online, so I’m planning to freeze half of it for later. (I include this purchase in our vacation fund budget, rather than under our regular grocery budget).
Around 2 pm, K makes a quick trip to our local wine store to buy an Oregon pinot noir and some port to enjoy at the cabin ($59.45). This store has an outdoor walk-up counter where you can tell the owner what you’re looking for, and he brings you some options (the store is way too small to allow customers to enter during Covid). It’s fun to chat with another human being, even briefly.
Evening: After work, we spend a little time rebalancing our investing and retirement accounts. We decide to put more money into bonds and a little bit into REIT’s as a hedge against a potential crash or recession in the future. Then I start making dinner – Broken Eggs (Huevas Rotas) from the NY Times cooking site. You basically cook the potatoes in a skillet in water, spices, and olive oil, and then sauté them to crisp them up once the water evaporates. Then you add onion, lots of garlic, and finally some eggs. It is delicious. I eat it with leftover cornbread while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race season 13 with my sister – we watch the first two episodes. It’s full of twists and turns. A note about this – we have an elaborate procedure for watching shows together developed during quarantine whereby we start the show at the same with an earbud in one ear, while FaceTiming. I also have chocolate cake, of course.
Later, I get an email that I’ve signed up for HBO on Amazon Prime. I definitely have not. I text my mom, who shares my account, and she tells me she signed up by mistake. I cancel right away and luckily they won’t charge us for it.
Meanwhile, K is doing an online Japanese language class over Zoom. He’s been interested in learning ever since we went to Japan last January. I lived in Japan for 3 years so I was able to take us around to a lot of more obscure places and he really enjoyed the trip – it was a blast.
K starts a YouTube yoga class (from Do Yoga With Me – my favorite channel) and I join him for part of it before bed around 10 pm.
Daily total: $239.34
Day 5
Morning: I get up around 7 am and we go for a run first thing. I prefer running early in the morning because there are fewer people to avoid during COVID. We do a different route today – it’s longer (3 miles) but has fewer hills. It’s a slog, as always, but I feel good when I get back right around 8 am. I jump straight onto my computer to start checking work emails and my husband makes us avocado and egg toast for breakfast - it is absolutely delicious.
We talk about how our bathroom smells distinctly mildewy (yay for being a grown-up because I guess this is what we talk about now) and we buy two big buckets of DampRid on Amazon ($26.60). I’ve found this to be a necessity in Seattle. Mid-morning, I take a break from work and start packing for our trip to the cabin.
Noon: I have leftover potatoes and cornbread for lunch, and my husband has the leftover chili. We finish getting ready to leave and head out right after lunch, taking a half day. The only problem is that I have attend a meeting at 3:30 pm, so we head out hoping to get there in time. Our cabin is near Quilcene in the Hood Canal region of Washington, about a 2 hour drive or a 2 hour ferry ride + drive. We are initially planning to take the ferry both ways, but realize that we mistimed the ferry departure, so we drive the whole way instead. Luckily, there’s little traffic mid-day, and we arrive at our Airbnb around 3:00 pm.
The Airbnb is beautiful! It’s a small cabin handmade by the owner, whose house is next door. It’s very rural, with a beautiful view. It’s tiny, but has a little kitchen and a waterfall-style shower with river rocks on the floor. It’s a great place to get away for a short time. Luckily, it also has good reception and I’m able to sit in on my meeting with no problems. My husband also does a little work, and then at 5 pm we’re free!
In our planning, we decided to get takeout on Friday night, since the little kitchen isn’t designed for any serious cooking. We call ahead to a local restaurant to order burgers (one of only 2 restaurants in the whole town). It’s around 5:30 pm and the place is deserted. It’s a microbrewery, but they tell us they haven’t been making beer since COVID-19 hit. None of the workers are wearing masks when I walk in, but they put them on when they see I’m wearing one. I pick up our order - a few bottled beers and burgers and fries ($49.52 including tip).
Back at our Airbnb, we watch Big Trouble in Little China and enjoy our very messy, but delicious, burgers (it costs $4.39 to rent). The movie is very campy but fun. I love silly action movies, as you will see with my other viewing choices. We wrap up the night in a very exciting fashion, eating chocolate cake and watching old episodes of the original Star Trek.
Daily total: $80.51
Day 6
Morning & noon: When we wake up around 8 am, the weather is looking thankfully clear and even sunny! We were expecting rain, so we’re really glad. We decide to go hiking today, and we head out before even having breakfast, with snacks and lunches packed. Our first destination is a hike called Mt. Zion, but unfortunately, we run into enough snow 2 miles before the trailhead that we decide to turn back. We don’t have any traction for our Subaru and don’t want to risk getting stuck on a very narrow mountain road. Instead, we drive another hour or so to the Lena Lake trailhead, a very popular and less strenuous trail. It’s about 7.5 miles roundtrip with 1200 feet of elevation gain.
By this time, it’s around 11:30, but luckily there is still parking. It’s a great hike up, and we run into relatively few people. We always mask up whenever we pass anyone, as does about 50% of the people we meet. The others… not so much. Around a mile from the lake, we start to run into snow. It’s turned into a beautiful sunny day, and I’m loving seeing all this snow! It’s a bit slippery, but not too bad. We make it to the lake mid-day, and it’s super jammed – there’s only a small viewpoint accessible, so everyone is crowded in there. I feel a bit uneasy with all the unmasked people, but we manage to find a spot away from the crowd and sit down to eat our lunch of apples, chips, and energy bars. There are a ton of robber jays there (Canada Jays) which try to eat our chips. It is fun watching them, but I’m annoyed to see some kids feeding them – it’ll just make them that much more aggressive. Bad trail manners.
On our way back down, we get stuck behind a group of 5 unmasked adults, who refuse to cede the narrow trail to faster hikers. I’m a slow hiker myself, so, to be clear, I’m not angry at slower walkers being on the trail but have some self-awareness and let people pass! especially if you’re going to go hiking in a big group during a pandemic! We finally get back down and head back to our Airbnb.
Evening: Back home, we explore some of the trails our Airbnb host has set up around his extensive property, and then relax on the deck. The sun is breaking through the clouds and it feels wonderful to sit out in nature and feel the sun on my back. We open up a bottle of wine and have a few pre-dinner snacks (more chips and hummus). For this night, we brought ingredients to make a steak salad. Our Airbnb host has kindly set up a charcoal grill for us, so we grilled the steak and toast some bread on the side.
We eat dinner while watching the truly terrible Jean Claude Van Damme movie Bloodsport and finish up the very last of my chocolate cake. It’s amazing that anyone ever let Van Damme act… or should I say ‘act.’ I also have a Tate’s chocolate chip cookie or two, accompanied by a little port. My husband and I are truly very old people at heart, so we finish up the night watching a few episodes of Columbo.
Daily total: $0
Day 7
Morning: Unfortunately, K had insomnia last night, so he sleeps in pretty late. I drink coffee in bed and enjoy looking at the view out our big windows. Once he’s up, we get packed up and write a thank you note for our host. It was a great stay.
One of my big hobbies is birding and K enjoys wildlife photography, so we go out to look for some lifers! (The first time you see a new species of bird). Did I mention we are very old people in (relatively) young bodies? We first go to Dosewallips State Park and see some bald eagles, great blue herons, lots of various ducks, and a flock of Canada Geese, which, strangely, includes a domesticated gray goose. He’s much larger than the Canada Geese and seems to be watching over them. It’s kind of cute. Unfortunately, a lot of the birds are too far from shore to be seen clearly.
Our next stop is Point No Point (I love all the sad & disappointed names that early Westerner explorers gave places in the Washington/Oregon coast), a popular birding spot. We see a ton of birds here, and I can understand why it’s so well-known - Red-Breasted Mergansers, Western Grebes, Common Goldeneyes, Pacific Loons, and a few others I can’t identify yet. Most excitingly though, we see a whole pile of otters! They’re lounging around together on a rock just offshore and a ton of people are watching. We watch as they all slip off the rock and go hunting in the shore. It’s my first otter sighting in the wild, and it’s so cool! We also see some seals and possibly a sea lion. It’s a great spot for wildlife. We eat some snacks (hummus, chips, some sliced meat & cheese) before we head out.
I really want to come back to this area another time and explore further, but K has decided that we need to get back home in time for the Big Game. We take the 3:00 pm ferry back to Seattle ($16.40) and get home around 3:45 pm. I veg out at home while my husband watches football. He’s a Patriots fan but he still loves Tom Brady (??) so he’s happy to see Florida win. I don’t understand sports team loyalties at all, but whatever, I’m glad he’s happy. We order from a new Indian place called Spice Box and get vindaloo, roganjosh, and vegetables pakora – so tasty ($53.96). Happily, there’s enough left over for lunch the next day, since I have no plans for what we will eat yet!
I’m really dreading work the next day, as I know that it will be obnoxious. I want to get out of my job so badly, but it doesn’t look like I’m going on to the next interview stage for the job I interviewed no back on Monday. I’m feeling kind of down about it. I try to stay positive and promise that I’ll apply for at least 2-3 new jobs next week. I bake up some frozen cookie dough I had in the freezer and feel sorry for myself. We end the night by watching another episode of Columbo.
Daily total: 70.36
Food + Drink: $395.23
Fun / Entertainment: $26.40
Home + Health: $26.60
Clothes + Beauty: $0
Transport: $16.40
Other: $170.48
Grand Total: $635.11
I think this week was pretty normal for us. Obviously we spent a bit more than usual due to the weekend cabin trip, but nothing outrageous. Our largest consumer spending category is definitely food and drink – we live in a very busy area of Seattle with tons of restaurants and bars so believe it or not, we actually used to spend even more on eating out. We still try to support our local places by getting takeout or delivery during the pandemic and even occasionally getting a few drinks outside. I spent more than usual on groceries due to stocking up for the weekend away.

Here are a few examples of real-life use case for Monero that I found from masteringmonero.com that defeats any arguments accusing Monero of being a tool used to hide criminal activity. Although it can be used for such, Monero has a lot of legal uses as well which includes:
Price manipulation: Sofia is the only mechanic in a small town. One of her customers paid for an oil change with Bitcoin. Sofia later looked up his address on the ledger and saw that the customer's wallet contained enough Bitcoin for a new Lamborghini. Next time he needed a repair, she doubled her prices. If the customer had used Monero, Sofia would have been unable to view his balance or use such information to manipulate prices.
Financial surveillance: Oleg's parents send him some Bitcoin to pay for textbooks, then continue to snoop on his Bitcoin address and activity. A few months later, Oleg sends some leftover Bitcoin to the public donation address for an organization that does not align with his parents' political views. He does not realize that they are still monitoring his Bitcoin activity until he receives a furious email from his parents, berating him. If Oleg had used Monero, his family would not have been upset due to prying into his transaction activity.
Supply chain privacy: Kyung-Seok owns a small business providing family catering services for local events. A large food company uses blockchain tracing to identify most of his regular clients. The corporation uses this list to contact Kyung-Seok's customers, offering similar deals for 5% less. If Kyung-Seok's business used Monero instead, its transaction history could not have been exploited by rival businesses seeking to steal his customers.
Discrimination: Ramona finds her dream apartment, conveniently close to her new job in a great neighbourhood. Every month, she promptly pays her rent in Bitcoin. However, the landlord notices that some of the payments trackback to a legal online casino. The landlord personally despises gambling and unexpectedly chooses to not renew Ramona's lease. If Ramona paid the rent with Monero instead, the landlord would not be able to review its history and discriminate based on her legal source of income.
Transaction security/privacy: Sven sells a guitar to a stranger, and gives the buyer a Bitcoin address from his long-term savings wallet. The buyer checks the blockchain, sees the large sum of money that Sven has saved up, and consequently robs him at gunpoint. If Sven had instead given a Monero address for payment, the buyer would not have been able to view Sven's wealth.
Tainted coins: Loki sells some of his artwork online to save up for college. When he pays tuition, he is shocked to receive a “payment INVALID” error from the school. Unbeknownst to Loki, one of his paintings was purchased using some Bitcoin that was stolen during an exchange hack the previous year. Since the school rejects any payment from a blacklist of “tainted” Bitcoins, they refuse to mark the bill “paid.” Loki is in an extremely difficult position: the Bitcoin that he saved has already been transferred out of his account, yet the tuition bill is still unpaid. This entire situation would have been avoided if Loki sold his paintings for Monero instead since its fungibility precludes tracking or blacklists.

Why Dogecoin to $1 is Only a Matter of Time
​
The Bubble
It’s February of 2021, and let’s be completely honest: We’re in a bubble. It’s kind of like 1999 but not the same. In 1999, interest rates were much higher. Today, they are nearly zero. In some countries, they are even negative. From a long-term perspective, this is very bad.
The Federal Reserve is completely to blame for this. Their policies are entirely reckless, and officials refuse to acknowledge what is going on here. The Coronavirus hysteria caused by the media and enabled by officials made the crash last summer the worst man-made disaster in the history of our financial system. The Great Depression was caused by over-speculation and a lack of regulation in an emerging financial system. The Great Recession was caused by greed and fraud (strangely, no one is in jail for this). This market collapse was caused by elected officials and the fed, who got trigger-happy and cut rates to zero back in the spring of 2020.
Whatever we wind up calling the burst of this bubble is to be determined. It will, however, be entirely manmade because the fed refuses to acknowledge the speculative behavior currently going on in SPACs, Cryptos, Penny Stocks, and anything else that serves as a legal Ponzi scheme for inflating the bubble. Even real, dividend-paying stocks have gotten way overvalued in some sectors. Also, since the fed has no plans of raising rates within the next two years (so they say for now, at least), if you’re searching for yield, you have nowhere else to look than the equities markets or one of these legalized forms of Ponzi schemes. It’s extremely unfair to conservative or retired investors looking for an honest return on their savings. This all is actually why it is a great time to look at Dogecoin, as I will get to in a moment. So long as rates are near zero, the bubble will continue to go on for longer and longer. And while it continues, people will constantly look for the next big thing.
For How Long?
Now, this may sound all doom and gloom, but that’s not my point. One day the bubble will burst, but I’m not making a prediction of when that will happen. Anyone making up dates for when the bubble will burst is either clueless or a con artist. No one knows when this bubble will burst. It could be weeks, months, or even years. One thing is for sure, the bubble will not burst just because things are overvalued. That’s not how bubbles work.
There needs to be a catalyst to burst the bubble. A major military conflict. An unexpected move or comment by the fed (raising rates, calling out the bubble for what it is, etc.). Another nationwide lockdown. I can go on with examples, but a little selloff here and there (August 2020) that causes the financial media to lose its mind is not enough. Just because you claim the bubble is bursting isn’t enough either. If you follow the media, you will get burned over and over again. That’s how it works. They want you to go to their sponsors for help, and once they burn you (sell you gold, overcharge you for poor investments, etc), you’ll come back to them hoping to figure things out. It’s a shell game. When the bubble burst, it will happen extremely fast and unexpectedly. There’s nothing wrong with playing the bubble, but you need to be mindful of when it ends because once the music stops, there will be a mad rush for the exits. You don’t want to be stuck holding the bag because everything will get crushed when the bubble burst. Even the blue-chip stocks that pay solid dividends will get hammered.
Fundamentals Don’t Matter (For Now)
In this bubble environment, fundamentals don’t make sense and, quite frankly, they don’t matter. You can argue back and forth all day long about whether something has a practical future or whether something is overvalued. I’m not here to do that about Dogecoin, Bitcoin, or any other crypto. The same could be said about Penny Stocks right now. (Hint: virtually all of these companies are way overvalued). You can find tons of articles of that nature, and I’m not likely to change your preconceived notions anyway. If we look at all the irrational bubbles that have occurred lately, you are a complete fool if you believe that TSLA or BTC is worth nearly a trillion dollars. It’s worth nowhere near that valuation.
How do I determine what something is worth, and who do I mean? It is called the market cap. In layman’s terms, that is where you take all the stock shares and multiply it by the share price. And I’m not recommending buying or selling TSLA or BTC, I’m just pointing out that these valuations are absurd. Does that mean they will not pass 1 trillion dollars? Of course not. There’s a very reasonable chance they do pass a $1 trillion market cap. That sounds absurd to write but it’s true. When the bubble bursts, you better believe fundamentals will be back in play. This disconnect can’t last forever. But it can go on for a while. And while it lasts, we all want to make some money
A Quick Word About ALL Cryptos
While I don’t believe Cryptocurrencies are going anywhere (as in, people will always buy and sell them), I also do not see any APPLICABLE future in them other than trading with other people. In fact, the biggest use I see of Cryptocurrencies is for illegal and untraceable transactions. The government will do all they can over the next several years to bring in lost tax revenue and track transactions better, but that’s the extent to which Cryptos will have relevance. How do I know this? Because the federal reserve, which is backed by the taxing authority of the US Government and the might of the US military, isn’t about to let some alternative currency usurp the US dollar. How do you think we can afford to provide all this government stimulus to fight Covid? If you think about this, you will see why other countries are much worse off. They must play by our rules, while we get to export our inflation to other countries because they must use the USD to buy commodities on the international exchanges (look at what happened when Saddam tried to circumvent this). If they print more money, their currency gets devalued. That’s why as bad as things look, relatively speaking, the US isn’t in terrible shape compared to the rest of the world.
If your financial future is so married to Bitcoin, ask yourself this: what happens if your account gets hacked? Who will you call? Who will make you whole again? If you have a brokerage account with legitimate stocks, there are regulations in place. There is the SIPC which protects again brokerage failure. With Bitcoin, you are completely gambling. This lack of regulation and lack of price stability means that there is no viable path to Bitcoin being a legitimate currency. Does it mean people can buy and sell it? Of course. But if you are in the cult of believing that Bitcoin is the future world reserve currency, you need to get your head examined.
Gold and Silver con artists have been trying for decades for people to get on this alternative currency train. At least gold and silver have some practical industrial applications. And hundreds of years of history on its side. Crypto isn’t anything but something people agree upon as having value. Why do I point this out? Because the one thing you need to do is separate yourself from what you think you know about Crypto and Blockchain, etc. While it all sounds cool and revolutionary, it really doesn’t matter. The US government could easily create their own form of Crypto that gives them more control. The decentralized part just doesn’t jive with our current global hegemony. If you don’t understand this, you should think more and read less. Once you accept this, you can start to see all Crypto as fundamentally worth the same: virtually nothing. The technicals, however, are why we want to look at Dogecoin.
Relative Valuation of Dogecoin
Now that you understand a little more background into where we are, I believe Dogecoin is extremely undervalued. Why? It’s simple. Relative valuation. This is one of the easiest and most efficient ways to compare investments. Ok, so maybe this isn’t really investing anymore; it’s gambling. Still, we can apply the same concept. Imagine two companies: they are in the same industry and have similar margins, earnings, growth prospects, etc. One company is valued at $50 billion and costs $120 per share, and one is valued at $85 billion and costs $80 per share. Which one would you invest in? Of course, you would invest in the one that is worth $50 billion at $120 per share. The cost per share means absolutely nothing. It is psychological.
Now, you say Dogecoin isn’t on par with Bitcoin and that where I’m going with this isn’t a fair comparison. Go back and read the last section. That’s why I wrote about the practical applications of Cryptocurrencies in general. None of that matters. The only thing that matters is the general sentiments shared by people that buy and believe in Cryptocurrency. So, let’s look at the current valuations:
Bitcoin – Price $40,500, Market Cap $755B (estimated as of 2-6-21)
Dogecoin – Price $.05, Market Cap $4.4B (estimated as of 2-6-21)
(Source: Yahoo Finance)
Now, I’m not saying Dogecoin is worth what Bitcoin is. I’m not even saying it's worth half or a third of Bitcoin. Who really knows? No one does. You certainly cannot say for certain that one is better than another. One is more “established” and has more name recognition. What I am saying is this: if Dogecoin goes to $1, it will have a market cap of just over $85 billion. Even at Bitcoin’s current market cap, that’s just over 1/10 of its value. And that isn’t even pricing in more appreciation of Bitcoin’s value over time. This means I see tons of room for Dogecoin to run. (I know some will mention dilution via minting of new coins, but that’s another discussion and not entirely relevant to the points I am trying to make in this piece.)
Could Dogecoin match Bitcoin? That sounds absurd, but let’s look just for fun: if Dogecoin were to have the same market cap as Bitcoin, that means it would have a current price of $8.55. So, what am I saying here? You must know the range of possibilities (within reason, if that even exists anymore) before you start thinking about price targets. To say Dogecoin is going to $100 is just absurd; things need to be put in the proper context.
Why Dogecoin?
Using relative valuation, I believe you could make a case for any Crypto. Will they all run to Bitcoin’s level? Of course not. The last question is why Dogecoin? This is the most important one that we have to answer before deciding on buying Dogecoin. The answer is simple: hype and name recognition. If I look at the most valuable cryptocurrencies by market cap, Dogecoin is number 12. I have taken an informal survey of probably 100 people over the last two weeks. I showed them the top 15 Cryptocurrencies by market cap to see which they were familiar with: Stellar, Binance Coin, Cardano, Polkadot, XRP . . . almost all of these were completely unheard of. But, somehow, they have valuations of 2-3 times Dogecoin.
Dogecoin has a few things going for it. First, hype. Elon Musk and many other prominent celebrities are pilling in. Mark Cuban has said he’d buy it over a lottery ticket. That alone can help aid a very quick lift off. Second, the name Dogecoin is very easy to remember and a trendy thing. What the heck is Cardano anyway? XRP? I mistakenly called it XPR before I edited this piece. And if you are still hung up on the practical use of Dogecoin or other Cryptos, you are missing the point of this piece entirely. Look at the story behind Bitcoin. An anonymous person online created a decentralized platform for money movement or something like that. What? How in the world did that idea ever take traction? It’s just like people online arguing over which Penny Stock is the next big thing. Neither person is right, but the perception is really all that matters.
Third, stimulus checks will be hitting within weeks or months. This naturally promotes price inflation when people have more dollars chasing few goods. People will inevitably pile into whatever they think is the next great thing. Dogecoin has momentum right now. And this brings me to number four.
Fourth, and perhaps most importantly, FOMO is very powerful right now. There are people all over the world that know people who have won big money in this bubble. Penny stocks, GameStop, Bitcoin, and many others that you can name. How many people do you personally know that have won big in the lottery? Probably none. This is a unique time in history. People have won big in this market and are looking for the next thing.
Dogecoin is something that could pick up steam quickly. It could blow up overnight. It may not, and that is the risk you take. At the end of the day, it’s just money that you can always make more of. Life-changing money is worth the risk when you find the right risk-reward ratio.
Do your due diligence, but also think ahead to a scenario that you could imagine. Would you be that surprised if Dogecoin reached $1? And if it did, would you be surprised if it started running towards multiple dollars? $1 is a psychological number that typically leads to a further breakout. The current market cap suggests this is all very possible. Now imagine getting in at four or five cents.
Disclosure: Long Dogecoin with Diamond Hands. No positions in any other things mentioned. -BJ

I wanted to counter some of the selection bias on this sub by telling a bit about what I consider to be a successful cs career.
A little about me

• Went to an OK school (uva undergrad), got OK grades (2.95)
• Never ground leetcode
• Applied to only a few jobs after school, nothing crazy.
• Entry salary was 50k as a new grad at a no-name government contractor

Outcomes several years later:

• 300k total comp
• 250k in the bank / investments
• 100% remote position (even before covid)
• Own a home in Santa Cruz county.
• Early employee at a tech startup which was acquired recently

The prevailing view on this sub seems to be that in order to have a successful career you need to:

• graduate from a top tier school with a high gpa
• get into a big-n, unicorn, or fintech company with 100k base salary directly out of school
• Grind leetcode all day until you can do hards without thinking

I'd like to provide my career as a counter-example, which doesn't seem too rare among most software engineers that I know.
My learnings:

• Start small and work up. Software companies want experience first, not necessarily good grades or algorithms chops. Since it's your work history that stands out, work on that first. Sure, apply to google, but also apply to that non-tech shop that needs software engineering. Stick around long enough to learn something before moving on. When you are done or if your wage is stagnating, apply somewhere else.
• Lose the ego and be friendly. Learn to work well with other people. My best references now are people I've worked with amicably.
• Improve yourself over time. If you aren't learning what you want to on the job, learn about stuff out of the job. Always be learning. If you aren't learning at work, go to tech meetups, use online courses, and hack for fun. If you can, go back to school. Pick up a Masters degree and specialize in something you are interested in.
• At some point, work at a small startup, and really invest your time and energy. You will have significant equity, which means you will have a chance for a large payout if the company is acquired, and the harder you work the more value you are creating. Do your diligence to find the right company for you: good, savvy leadership, in a promising field. This is a gamble of course, but even if the company goes under, it's an incredible learning experience.
• demonstrate your value, and draw on that to ask for what you want. Get involved in projects, and be do your best to be integral to their success. Another way to demonstrate value is to apply elsewhere and get offers. Remember once you have some experience, you will be in much higher demand. If you can demonstrate value, you can ask for things you want for your career, e.g. cooler projects, better pay, better title, better benefits, remote work.

This has been my experience. Hopefully it gives some hope to other people who may feel like their grades or resume isn't stellar. Tldr: get any job programming, do awesome at it, get better yourself, jump to better jobs every so often, and build your resume.
Edit: a lot of people are asking about timeline. I graduated in 2006. I realize this may change the tone of my post for some, as the tech job market has changed somewhat since then. I hope that the pointers are helpful anyway!
Edit: formatting

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a comment in response to a question about ETFs. This question comes up very often; usually two or three times a week. Maybe more than that. Several people suggested that it be "pinned." I obviously cannot do that, however if a mod wants to pin this, feel free to do so. I did make a few modifications and additions to that comment and for those who haven't gone back to see the changes, I thought I'd post it again here. Hopefully, this helps people who are interested in an investing approach that is either made up of ETFs or that includes ETFs as a part of their portfolio.
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QQQ - This one uses the NASDAQ 100 as its benchmark. Obviously it's an Indexed, non-managed ETF. XTF used to rate this one as a perfect 10.0 out of 10 rating, but recently dropped it to 9.9 out of 10. It has one of the highest rates of return over the past 10 years of any ETF. It does tend to be tech-heavy, especially with the FAANG +M stocks. (Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix, Google and Microsoft). Other top holdings include TSLA, NVDA and ADBE. (The rating dropped recently when the portfolio of the NASDAQ 100 was re-balanced).
VOO/SPY - VOO and SPY are non-managed funds indexed to the S&P 500 Index. These funds are very popular on this subreddit, for good reason. They are well diversified, broad market funds investing in mostly US stocks. XTF rates these funds at 9.6 out of 10 because their return on investment over the long term is somewhat tempered by some of the blue chip stocks in the funds. But those stocks also help reduce volatility relative to some other ETFs. These are solid investments, but keep in mind that in the top 10 holdings there will be a lot of crossover between these funds and other broad market funds that hold US stocks like QQQ, VTI, VGT, VOOG and SPYG. There are differences, of course, as well, but you always want to know where those duplications exist.
IWF - This is a Russell 1000 Growth fund. It is one of my favorites that doesn't get talked about much. It does have a lot of crossover with the other funds mentioned above, but the mix is slightly different. Other funds that use the Russell 1000 Growth Index include RWGV and VONG. I would describe this fund as more aggressive than VOO/SPY, less volatile than QQQ. VONE and IWB use the Russell 1000 Index as their benchmark. SPYG and VOOG use the S&P 500 Growth Index for their benchmark and would be similar (but not identical) to IWF, VONG and RWGV.
IWM - for someone looking to diversify a little bit, this is a great fund to look into. This fund is a non-managed, indexed fund that uses the Russell 2000 index as its benchmark. The big difference between the Russell 2000 index and many of the the other indexes is that the Russell 2000 index looks at small and mid-cap companies, rather than large-cap companies. Thus, there is zero crossover between this one and the funds mentioned above. While this fund will move up and down with the market, it is often less volatile than the market overall. If you look at the charts, this fund has under-performed some of the other funds over the past few months while the market has been very volatile in an upward direction, but in a crash, this fund would probably outperform the rest of the market. It has a 9.0/10 XTF rating.
VXUS - Vanguard Total International Index Fund ETF - top holdings include BABA, Tencent, Samsung, Taiwan Semiconductors, Novartis, Toyota. This is a broad market fund investing only in companies overseas. I'm not generally bullish on foreign markets, but this one is a very solid ETF with some companies that are likely to do extremely well for the foreseeable future. XTF rates this one a perfect 10.0 out of 10.
EEM - iShares MSCI Emerging Markets ETF - This one is going to have a lot of crossover with VXUS. It is an Emerging Markets ETF with a lot of focus on China. It includes Alibaba, Tencent, JD.com, along with companies like Samsung and Taiwan Semiconductors. This one should be a solid performer as long as our trade relations with China remain normal.
EFA - This is another international ETF, but here the focus is mainly on more established companies in Europe and Japan. This is a Large Cap ETF that includes companies like Nestle SA, Roche, Toyota, Novartis and AstraZeneca.
Sector fund ETFs:
ICLN/TAN/FAN - These funds are clean/renewable energy ETFs. ICLN is more broad while TAN focuses more specifically on solar energy and FAN specifically on wind generated energy. I think renewable energy companies are the future. There is no crossover in the top holdings of this fund with the top holdings of QQQ and most of the other broad market funds. Also, these are global, not just US based companies. QCLN and PBW are also renewable energy funds, but they also contain a lot of TSLA, NIO and W.K. H.S. in their top holdings making them "electric vehicle" funds, as well. No problem if you want to add that, but you'll find a lot of Tesla in some of the funds mentioned above.
ARK group of funds: ARKG, ARKF, ARKK ARKW, ARKQ, PRNT and IZRL. These are managed funds investing in companies that invest in disruptive companies in their respective industries. Most posters on this subreddit are bullish on these funds. They are aggressive growth ETFs, but should be considered somewhat risky and volatile.

• ARKG - Genomic Revolution
• ARKF - Fintech
• ARKK - Disruptive Companies (broader market)
• ARKW - Internet/computetechnology (Telsa is a top holding)
• ARKQ - Robotics and artificial intelligence
• PRNT - 3D printing technology
• IZRL - disruptive companies based in Israel

XL series of funds. Similar to the ARK series, these tend to be more aggressive growth funds, however these are passively managed indexed funds with various benchmarks that usually are overloaded in the better companies within a sector:

• XLV - Health Care
• XLK - Technology
• XLY - Consumer Discretionary
• XLF - Financial
• XLU - Utilities
• XLE - Energy
• XLB - Materials
• XLC - Communications
• XLG - S&P Top 50
• XLI - Industrial
• XLP - Consumer Staples
• XLRE - Real Estate

CLOUD COMPUTING: WCLD, SKYY, CLOU, BUG and XIKT. Of these WCLD has the best 52 week performance. Top holdings in WCLD include ZM, PLAN, CRM, CRWD, ZEN, WDAY, TENB, PCTY, DDOG, BL. Many of these are likely to also appear in QQQ, however, they would be in very small percentages as the Cap on these companies is much smaller.
Aerospace and Defense: XAR, ITA, PPA
Real Estate: VNQ, FREL, SCHH, IYR, PSR, BBRE
Transportation: FTXR, XTN, IYT, RGI, JETS
Oil/Energy: IYE, FENY, VDE
Consumer Staples: FSTA, VDC, IECS
Media/Entertainment: IEME, PBS, PEJ, IYC
Robotics, AI, Innovative Technologies: THNQ, ROBO, XITK, SKYY, GDAT
Semiconductors: SOXX, QTEC, QTUM, SMH, FTXL
IT: FTEC, VGT, IWY, IGM, FDN
Cyber Security: HACK, CIBR, IHAK, BUG, FITE
Consumer Discretionary: FDIS, VCR, IEDI, JHMC, IYC
5G, Connectivity: FIVG, NXTG, WUGI
Self Driving EV: IDRV, DRIV, MOTO
Gaming/Esports: NERD, HERO, ESPO, GAMR, SOCL
Casinos/Gambling: BETZ, BJK
Online Retail: IBUY, EBIZ, ONLN, CLIX, GBUY, BUYZ
Utilities: IDU, VPU, FUTY, RYU
Health Care: FHLC, VHT, IYH
Medical Devices and Equipment: IHI, IEHS, XHE
​
Other Unique ETFs, non-sector based:
CHGX: US Large Cap Fossil Fuel Free ETF
VIRS: Biothreat Strategy ETF
​
​
A nice portfolio might look something like this:
20% - Broad market US fund such as QQQ, VOO or IWF
20% - VXUS - International
20% - IWM - Small/Mid-cap broad market fund
10% each in four sector funds of your choice
I'm not a financial expert or advisor and this is not financial advice, just an opinion from a random internet person. I do own shares in several, but not all of the funds listed above, including QQQ, IWF, some ARK funds, ICLN, VXUS, etc.
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Edit: In one of my previous edits, I accidentally erased a bunch of the sector funds. Please feel free to comment with your favorite sector funds and let me know if I forgot to add back some that I had before.

So after my first couple of weeks on PES 21, I got fed up and started playing less. I’ve hardly played online for weeks but was looking forward to the Flamengo agents, so I decided to have a session on the game on Thursday.
I start with the agents. The legend agent had 3 players I really wanted and only 1 that I didn’t, so I figured my odds were good..… nope.
Next I spin the Flamengo CS and the PotW agents. I’m feeling positive again as there are plenty of players I want… I get none of the players I want and dupes in both.
Then I find I have my weekly pre-order agent, so I spin that for my customary 3 x faceless silver ball.
Not a great start to my session, but at least I have 6 duplicate trainers, so maybe I can max out some of my players..… nope. Not a single big multiplier.
So my luck’s not in with agents or trainers, but never mind. I’ll jump into a match and see how the pitch treats me.
I try an Online Challenge. First half, I am absolutely dominant. I go 3-0 up and my opponent doesn’t even have a single shot in the first half. Looks like I’m on for an easy victory - what can possibly go wrong? Well, he had 3 shots in the second half... final score: 3-3. He only got into my area three times in the whole match. All three goals were bullshit. I close PES for the sake of my sanity.
If loading the game in the first place wasn’t a stupid enough idea, I decide a while later to give it another go. Whoops.
I decide to go for ranked matches. Matchmaking takes ages. I eventually find one opponent at 3*, then it took so long to find another opponent that I resorted to turning off all matchmaking restrictions - I would literally play anyone at this point. Over the course of well over an hour, I managed to play two matches. Both horrible matches, I get one draw and one loss.
At this point, there is only one thing left to try… MATCHDAY.
I don’t know what possessed me at this point, after such a miserable time on the game already, to think that Matchday would be a good idea. I suspect I must have felt like I had nothing to lose - it can’t get much worse and I know how terrible Matchday is, so I can’t possibly be disappointed… right?
Jesus wept. The laggy connections. The meta. The “adaptive difficulty”! And, of course, the lag cheaters. One of my opponents is ranked over 200 lower than me and literally hacks me down every time I get the ball. EVERY SINGLE TIME. He got about 8 or 9 yellow cards and one red. I barely managed to put a single attack together. But when he gets the ball... triangle-auto-shoot-goal. He wins 4-0. One of the worst players I have ever played beats me 4-0. Cool.
As I approach the end of my epic stint on Matchday, life decides to intervene and give me a little hint that I need to stop doing this to myself… with a fairly rapid onset of pain and tightness in my left upper arm.
Naturally I was raging at all the bullshit at this point but I wasn’t quite expecting that. I finish the match, take a few deep breaths, grab some food and then come back to spectate the Matchday finals… well, I spectated only one of them because the rest got suspended. Then I spin my Matchday agents for some more shitty players I don’t want. And that’s me done on PES for the evening.
In all seriousness, I am absolutely fine but I’m taking that shot in the arm (pun intended) as a subtle hint from life that maybe - just maybe - playing PES online is not always such a great idea. Especially playing it for several hours, like I did on Thursday. When things start to stress you out this much, just do something else.
This isn't a plea for sympathy or anything like that - I did this to myself because I'm a fucking idiot. I’m 38 years old and I’ve been playing video games for over 30 years now. I have never known a video game have anything like this effect on me. I have played games I’m good at, games I’m bad at and plenty of games in between. But no game has ever stressed me in this way. At the end of the day, they are all games - the whole point is just to have fun, right? That’s why we play them. But PES is different. What Konami have created is something that takes our emotional investment in football and transfers it to a grind of building our dream squad and competing in a never-ending quest to validate our love and knowledge of football against others. But yet the success we achieve in this grind is determined only partially by our skill, knowledge and effort, with luck and manipulation interfering every step of the way, thus skewing the return we get on our emotional investment and, in simple terms, fucking with our mood. It feels as though the game puts us into the mindset of a gambling addict who just can’t stop gambling to try to claw back his/her losses.
I could ramble on further but we all read this kind of rant every day and I’m as tired of reading them as you are. It’s tiresome even writing about it, no matter how therapeutic it is to get it off your chest.
I’m not even sure what the point to this post is, other than to remind you all that there are many other things you can be doing if PES is stressing you out. For my part, I’ll be cutting back on playing PES online to just play the odd match here and there. Matchday can go fuck itself. I’ll do the COM challenge in MyClub a few times a week and some Master League here and there - that will do me just fine. There are ways to enjoy this game. If it’s stressing you out, please - whether it’s a different mode in PES, a different video game or going outside for a walk - do something else. It’s just not worth it.

Switching from FIFA to PES this year was a big mistake. While FIFA may have it's own flaws none of them are on the level of PES.
First let's start with the absolute dead community. If you live in middle Europe and want to play you have queues up to 30 minutes to find a single game. This game is only """"""playable""""" during Matchday time. And this brings us to the second point.
The absolute shitfest that is Matchday. The game is dead (PC) to the point where PES doesn't let you filter people with bad internet connections. (the funny thing you have this option in Ranked Match mode but 3 bar connection doesn't mean shit, the game is a pure lagfest) Before some of you shills come out and say yes PC is pretty dead but it's good on Playstation, why are you lying? I picked up some PES streamers and 10-15 minutes queues on a Saturday evening during the Corona pandemic are not good. The game is near dead. Period.
In a bad connection the """"polished"""" gameplay that PES offers is non existent. Players like Neymar and Messi with perfect dribbling stats can't take one good touch, the game sometimes doesn't even register your inputs, you can't even turn your player, let alone dribble. The worst thing is the passing. If you pass under bad connections paired with the horrible passing assistant system of PES the passes absolutely fuck up. You can't pass a 2m pass to the next man. This makes it impossible for people that play possession based football.
The collision system in this game is pure PURE garbage. People fall over each other, tackles are weird as fuck I saw the craziest thing happened on the pitch. Stuff like 3-4 players falling each other. Now if you add some bad connection to this you need some good opiates to stay calm. In bad connection this game COMPLETLY breaks down.
"OMG THE PES BALL PHYSICS". How often did I hear this shit during my FIFA time. Yes, if you play offline the game has some crazy issues but the ball physics are good. Once you go online the Ball turns into a teleporting magnet. The absolute craziest fucking bounces happen, not even Einstein could explain what the fuck is happening on the pitch.
There are plenty of known bugs that completely break the games AI. And high level players make use of them. Stuff like putting a CF as your CB in a 5 man def formation and going all red. The players that switches from CB to Forward becomes Prime Pele. The defensive AI simply ignores him. Longball spammers that no matter what you do, if you are in a bad connection and the enemy CF is fast and strong the game WILL fuck up for once. You can mark him, set up deep defensive line, go all blue, run back with your CBs. Once in a time he WILL score. I saw so many of these going in.
The game IS Pay 2 Win. Is it as P2W as Fifa? No, but it is no matter what. Viera is the best example for this. There is not ONE DMF at his level, you can look for people with similar stats or frame, there is none. No one can match him. And the higher you go in rank you realize that 99% of high rank players have him. Add the other classics such as R10, IM Puyol, IM Gullit, Beckenbauer, Rummenigge. The players I just listed are almost in 99% of all high level teams. Jokes to the people telling FIFA players how diverse the game is and that everything is viable. Viable in your low level rank or offline mode? Tbh I'm shocked on how addicted some lads here are. I always had the impression that players that spend monthly 200-500 bucks where a Fifa problem. How wrong I was. After I picked the game up I wanted to learn more about it gameplay wise and oh god. All these PES Youtubers with their spins. "I got the newest 3 IMs in 40 spins" (40 bucks) And this goes on weekly. I see them dropping 10k myclub coins on spins, the next week it's again full with 20-25k coins. This game is no different in that regard to Fifa. Fifa has a bigger playerbase that's why there are more gambling addicts. Simple math.
Cheating is rampant. I already posted here once, what's up with all those fucking GIANT players? I matched against 3 different people with this hack enabled. Players turning into Giants, walking faster than Usain Bolt, winning every tackle. I play Fifa since 2014 ONLINE and NEVER have I seen this shit. The worst are the shitty void cheaters and I used to laugh at the people that talked about connection cheaters but now I know better. I had games leading 3-4:0 and after 70 minutes the connection drops to 1 bar and the lag becomes extreme. It usually ends in a voided match and I'm sure I got ddossed.
I could keep listening up issues this post would never end. I made some research about this game issues, old Posts from the last 3-4 years. Almost NOTHING got fixed. The sad thing is the idiotic "muh pes against fifa" mindset. I know that football games are played mainly by children, but they seem to attract manchildren of the worst sort. I feel bad for spending 28 bucks on this garbage, you simply can't play it. Good connection people are extremely rare. Now come out with your apologizes, "but next year new engine new that hihih", you sound like every 0815 Fifa player that says they maybe will fix it next time.

Overview

• Name of Run: the born loser
• Metaplot: krimewave
• Run Link: [krimewave] The Born Loser <2021-01-31> : NeonAnarchy (reddit.com)
• Date: 2021-01-31
• Time: 2200
• Duration: 2.5 Hours
• Threat: Semi-prime
• Scheduling: Impromptu
• GM: u/coy-coyote (c0z1)
• Runners: u/doubleharts (Killdozer), u/aztechnologypr (Aegean), u/tkul (ZDT), u/anubonk (Bubblegum), u/n4shwise (Aurora)
• Johnson: Pit Boss, Planet Horizon
• Relevant NPCs: Herbert Gerber, Market Analytics & metadata collation, NEOnet (VIP)
• Location: Planet Horizon Casino
• Opposition: Jarl, F10; Herbert (Decker)
• Casualties: 0
• Collateral: 0
• Synopsis: Runners are hired by the casino management of the Planet Horizon to quietly & politely remove Mr. Gerber from the casino floor and prevent his return to gaming by shifting his obligations elsewhere.
• Run Rewards: 60,000 nuyen -or- 90,000 nuyen gear credit: Misc. (Survival, Tools, Tools of the Trade, Lifestyle payments [advance]), Pharmaceuticals & Medical, [15 RVP] 5 Karma [5 RVP], 2 knowledge karma [F]
• Choice of Quality(s) up to 10 RVP value, at chargen cost, Free [10 RVP]: Alibi [4], Analytical Mind [5], Astral Chameleon [10], Biocompatability (Bio or Cyberware) [5], Barrens Rat [5], Battle Hardened [2], Blandness [8], Brilliant Heuristics [5], Catlike [7], Common Sense [3], Cynic [6], Daredevil [6], Drug Tolerant [6], Focused Concentration [4 per, max 5], Guts [10], Honest Face [5], Instinctive Hack [2], Juryrigger [10], natural Athlete [7], ninja vanish [5], Perceptive [1 or 2 ranks, 5], Quick Config [5], Shoot First - Don't Ask [2], Magic Resistance [6], Social Chameleon [7], Profiler [3], Observant [5], Outdoorsman [3], Perfect Time [5], Toughness [9], Spirit Whisperer [8], Tough as Nails [5, S or P], Astral Chameleon [10], Resistance to Pathogens, Toxins [4, 4, or 8], Radiation Sponge [5], Rad-Tolerant [3], Natural Immunity (Natural or Synthetic) [4 or 10], Natural Hardening [10], Master Debator [10], Empathic Listener [10], Vehicle Empathy [7], Reverberant [5], Practice-Practice-Practice [2], Will to Live [3], Golden Screwdriver [8], Go Big or Go Home [6], Fade to Black [7], Stunt Driver [4], Speed Demon [3], Steely Eyed Wheelman [2], Innocuous [5], Groupthink [5], Special Modifications [5], Prototype Materials [5], Redliner [10],Black Market Pipeline [10], Poisoner [5], One With The Matrix [10], Lightning Reflexes [20], Spike Resistance [10], Brand Loyalty (Manufacturer or Product) [3], Double Jointed [6], Sharpshooter [4]

Background
Metadata manipulation is Vegas is dangerous; especially when metagaming relies on accurate metadata for trending bet predictions and odds to be properly calculated.
Meet
Runners meet the Johnson at the Casino Grande online Mahjong Table #12.
Run
Runners make their way to Vegas courtesy of ZDT's cessna, landing in searchlight and getting their comped room at the Planet Horizon as well as a limo ride from the airport. VIP services checks them in, and ZDT and Aurora proceed to search the fuck out of everything they can, getting a little background on the Johnson while ZDT foments a plan.
Bubblegum and Aegean take turns on the casino floor attempting to surveil the Johnson, with Bubblegum sitting a few hands of poker to realize that he's dealing, yet again, with another person Dream Pacted by the Fae - a Jarl possessing the man spends all night up gambling while he toils his days away in his hotel room remoting in to work. ZDT decides to frame him for corporate collusion with a rival entity while the team agrees to the plan.
ZDT hacks the NEONet foundation, grabbing some project data linked to Gerber, escaping the foundation after a daring series of hacks and receiving some secondary host code from Aurora, who vacates the host after getting chased for encryption-cracking while helping ZDT get into the foundation.
Back in the hotel room, they decide to kick it in Vegas for a couple days, doing the touristy stuff like feeding the lions during the virtual Siegfried and Roy show with a Krime T-Shirt Cannon and generally fucking around till their edge comes back.
Two days later, ZDT and Aurora get on the hacks, putting all the copied compromised data into gerber's comms, masquerading them to forward the files to Horizon and copying the transcript log of the transfer, and then Aurora anonymously calls NEONet for the tip-off. Not even an hour later, Herbert is checking out of his year-and-a-half long room at the PH, forced to return to chilly boston as his bosses start screaming over his corporate defection. Nasty guest evicted!
Aftermath
A CFD-ridden, dream-pacted executive may be an interesting threat during the Boston Lockdown...
Expenses
Johnson covered room & board as part of negotiations.

TL;DR Don't directly boost Doomfist, just make his movement techniques reliable. Also prevent enemies from escaping his successful combos (his version of a headshot) as easily as listing to the side or turning around instantly and stunning him. Rework Hack for everyone's sanity. And finally, if anything you change ends up being too much of a boost overall, we don't mind if you nerf Rocket Punch.
................................
First off, this is coming from the perspective of a console Doomfist main who has pushed himself to the limit trying to learn Doomfist techs, and still can't climb higher than low Platinum. The meme online has been that Doomfist mains currently peak in Diamond, and here's the truth behind that.
Let's start with the core Doomfist concept.
Doomfist is designed to engage in a sudden, surprising flurry of melee-range attacks, secure the kill, and flee. Part of why he is disliked so much by players on the receiving end is because his premise requires him to kill before they can properly react. If a Doom player fails to secure the kill and/or fails to escape, they are immediately punished and killed. If they are successful, they can be game changing as they can secure a sudden and surprising kill in seconds and come out with higher health than they started. Doomfist also requires adept cooldown management and spacial awareness to be effective.
Now let's talk about the core problems in Doomfist's kit in relation to the game mechanics.

1) Map geometry.

Doomfist can end up gliding and bouncing around in all kinds of directions just by barely clipping an edge or a corner. Seismic Slam in particular is bad because it cannot be canceled, and clipping an edge can cause the Slam to fly off almost 90 degrees to the side. Also, Uppercut can randomly send you forward due to roof lips above you.
A huge part of learning Doomfist is learning this geometry and using it to your advantage, however in the middle of being pushed around by enemies, bounced, and CC'd, it can be extremely difficult to keep track of.
My solution would be to have Doomfist follow a more set path. Similar to how D.va Bomb flies forward without bouncing around on geometry, it would be nice to see Slam and Uppercut do the same. Some techs would definitely be lost if this were implemented, however just being able to rely on Uppercut going primarily UP and Seismic Slam going primarily FORWARD would help the health of the character in the long run, at least in my opinion. Sorry parkour players.

2) Movement via Punch Cancel, Bouncing off of Objects

This one ties in directly with the previous point. Doomfist combines map geometry with specifically timed or placed movement tricks to get to surprising places. For example, if Doomfist cancels his punch at a certain point, he goes flying forward almost double the distance of a normal punch. He can also use this momentum to bounce off of objects in the world.
The problem comes in when these tricks and techs inevitably fail. When you use one of these, you're always gambling, because even the smallest network hiccup or missed timing will leave you on the ground with a full cooldown, helpless.
My suggestion is simple here, Doomfist cancel-based movement desperately needs the same treatment as the Mercy Super Jump. For anyone who doesn't understand what I mean, Jeff mentioned in an interview that the dev team recognized Mercy's ability to use Guardian Angel to propel herself into the sky with specific inputs, and rather than removing it, they improved it and made it more reliable. So what I'm asking for is, just make Doomfist's movement tricks reliable.
There's a thin line where Doomfist players want Doom to be difficult so that they can show off and challenge themselves, however I think I can speak for most Doom players when we say that we just want our most powerful techs to be reliable. Achieving this would take a few things.
First, increase the window size for canceling into bouncing off of objects. Currently the window requires you to be right on top of the object, and missing that window leaves you dead in the water for four seconds as punch cools down.
Second, improve the launch and make it reliably vertical. Too often a very slight displacement to the map geometry sends us bouncing sideways or not high enough. This isn't usually something obvious either: poor placement can boil down to individual pixels. That's why I adamantly sustain that bouncing should be made more reliable: always up, always high, never to the side. Just make it feel the same or similar to Mercy Super Jump.

3) Enemy-controlled movement.

When Doomfist successfully dives a squishy character from behind without being noticed, or breaks through an enemy line to catch you separated from the pack, that is his headshot. What I mean by that is, if you didn't hear all his grunting and noise, you didn't follow where he went, and you got dived by him, he did his job correctly, you didn't, and you should be punished.
The problem here is that every enemy in the game can cancel Doomfist's effectiveness with the most simple button input in the entire game: left and right strafing. Characters retain full aerial control while in the air and not stunned. As a result, all a character has to do to avoid Doom's Hand Cannons and/or land somewhere beneficial to them is list slightly to the left. I often find myself uppercutting instantly into a punch just because if I don't, the target inevitably goes all over the place, subject to player input, map geometry, and the various escape effects such as Lunge and Coach Gun. However doing this means I don't have an escape ability, so I end up dying.
My suggestion is a non-stunning aerial lock for Uppercut. When a character is hit by Uppercut, they would get locked into an aerial "chute" in front of Doomfist for a short time, that could only be escaped by movement caused by abilities (Lunge, Coach Gun, hit by Boulder, etc) but that could not be escaped just by air strafing. Additionally, a partial rotation slow would also be applied so that characters like Ana, Hog, and McCree could still turn around and react, but couldn't do it the instant Uppercut lands, given they were dove from an odd angle and not straight forward.
These changes are intended to facilitate surprise. The character can still react in multiple ways, however cannot just escape a combo with simple, lazy input like listing or quickly turning and pressing a button. The stun and burst reaction characters would have to get themselves turned around and lined up, the lunge and DR reaction characters would be required to use that ability to survive, and the characters without an option would be subject to the consequences and would need to watch their positioning better or swap.

4) Punch Bugs

Simple one here, if you would bounce off of map geometry or slide along a wall when punched, APPLY THE WALL DAMAGE. This is getting old and happens way, way more than it should. Consider this: how would you feel if you were playing Widowmaker and landed a clutch headshot, and it just straight up didn't apply headshot damage?

5) Sombra

I'll keep this one short. Just rework hack. As it is, the input is lazier than classic Moira's Biotic Grasp. My suggestion is: require better target tracking for Hack, slow Hack down slightly but apply extra damage from her SMG to hacked targets, and most importantly, apply a microcooldown whenever Sombra takes damage so that she can't just hold the Hack button while stunned to hack the instant the stun ends. Oh, and don't allow her to hack an enemy who is already hacked. In a normal game, this only applies to EMP, and adding this would help Total Mayhem immensely.
Do whatever you want to her, rework her damage and abilities, just please stop making Hack so brain-dead easy to pull off.

6) Nerf Punch if you have to

If any of this seems like too much, nerf punch. Most if not all reasonable Doomfist mains wouldn't mind seeing Punch nerfed, so long as Uppercut is just made reliable. The common suggestion is nerfing the wall damage while raising the charge damage.
.....................
Now as you go back through this, I know it's a lot of ideas and you're probably thinking omg wtf he just wants the character boosted through the ceiling. However, if you read it again, everything I listed is something revolving around reliability. I think at the end of the day, that's all most Doomfist mains want: a character that can do all the cool and crazy techniques he's famous for reliably.

So, I've heard of this subreddit a lot and never thought I would have to post because my MIL is lovely, she has a few quirks but nothing Just No worthy.
I'm here because of my own mum though.
I'll fully admit I(32f) didn't have a great childhood. That wasn't easy to admit because... Well it's not like they beat me and I always got Christmas gifts and they loved me and we sometimes don't like to admit that our parents didn't do great. We love them after all.
My parents were angry. They would shout, fight and have physical arguments. My dad wouldn't hit her, just try and restrain her or punch walls. But she would scratch him with her nails, throw things, punch etc.
In regards to me I was "smacked" a lot as a child, spanking I guess Americans call it, but it was always in anger. She would throw things at me that never hit because she was a terrible shot.
My maternal grandma was an angry woman too, so it is no shock that my mum grew up that way and no shock that I did too.
When I was a teenager my mum and I would get into physical fights and I honestly internalised these things as normal... They would even become funny stories.
Like when I was a kid and I was in the back of a parked car waiting for my dad (he was an illicit substance dealer, not sure if I'm supposed to mention that) and I was annoying her about needing to go to the bathroom and she insisted that I go in the bushes but I didn't want to and we went back and forth until she snapped and threw this really large piece of firewood at my head. It missed. I was about 5. It could have caused a lot of damage. That become a funny story.
Like the time she upper cut me over a pair of socks when I was annoying her. Another funny story.
Despite this I've always been really close with my mum. We talked all the time and we would watch movies and do stuff together. We were close.
Some years ago my dad cheated with a MUCH younger woman, which is its own whole drama, and he is now with her and they have a 2 year old child. Yes, his partner is younger than me.
During the breakup my mum was...not OK. I lived about an hour from her and had a small fight with her on the phone one night and she tried to kill herself.
She called me all drunk and on pills and said that she was so sorry... It was all kind of passive aggressive like "sorry I couldn't be enough, sorry I can't make you happy" that kind of stuff. I called emergency services who broke the door down and took her to hospital. I never read the note she left me. Police took it and didn't give it back and I honestly didn't want to anyway.
At any point I decided to move back in with my mum because she clearly needed help and couldn't be alone. I was married to my ex at the time and we both moved in to her 2 bedroom house (the number of bedrooms will become relevant).
She was emotional. All the time. Her and my dad were kind of going to fix things up and then didn't and it was a grey area for a while and it just meant dragging out the pain and I had to deal with all her emotions. I don't mean to sound cold but after a while I felt emotionally exhausted and like I was just going through the motions.
She became addicted to online dating services which could have been a plus side but she was obsessed with them, we couldn't have a conversation or watch a movie because she needed to check the websites. I think she really needed the validation so I tried not to hold it against her, although I saw a smutty photo she sent one of them and she was wearing one of MY slutty tops so I went and took that back because... No.
During this time I had asked her repeatedly to get therapy. She always said she would but never did, I was always her enigmatic crutch.
And because her and my dad officially broke up I was paying HALF the mortgage and couldn't really afford to save to leave and go back to the city. It was originally going to be more mutually beneficial but I had to pay half the mortgage, rates, bills etc.
Anyway, she eventually met a guy we will call Kyle (no offense to the Kyle's out there, I just personally have never met a nice Kyle) on the dating app. He was 8 years younger, unemployed, no license, living in a trailer park and had 3 kids (9, 11 and 13 at the time) . A catch, right?
Well, she starts dating Kyle and his life is a train wreck and she had said she wasn't super into it. Kyle ex had custody of two of the kids and he had the oldest boy who we will call Ryan and Ryan was a messy, sullen teen and she wasn't sure she wanted to get involved in this. So she broke up with him.
Done, right? Hopefully she'll move on and date mature men who want the same things in life as her. Not quite.
I guess Kyle kept messaging mum and she felt bad and guilty and decided to give him another chance. This set the status quo for their relationship.
I met him once, I didn't like him much. He took pride in saying he doesn't care what other people think of him and that is why he was wearing sweat pants and a oversized t shirt to meet me. Ok, cool I guess?
They had been dating less than a month when my mum told me that he was being kicked out of the trailer park because of some argument with the owner and that he was going to stay with us (with his eldest son too) for two weeks. I tried to protest and said that I barely know him, don't know his son and I remember saying to my mum "if he comes here he will never leave" I was ignored.
So she moved him into this 2 bedroom house, son goes to live in our garage and the concept of privacy is gone to me because... The lounge room where I used to work out is where his son has his xbox all day, and where Kyle himself sits all day smoking weed. The TV is always on stupid reality TV shows and they listen loud while my mum is at work and I'm studying from home.
They fill the house with junk food while I am trying to sort of be healthy and I lost the privacy to exercise. When I mentioned maybe not filling the cupboard with junk food Kyle SCREAMS at me "oh I'm SO sorry for trying to feed my son!"
They obviously never moved. His son was awful, messy, filthy and unhygienic. He literally wouldn't shower for days and smelled like dirty feet and dirty genitals and the whole house smelled like him.
They fought. A lot. Often. Over the same things. He was a bad dad, tbh. He didn't discipline his kids at all because he was too lazy to say no. I didn't know you could be poor and spoiled but his son Ryan showed me you could. He would scream at my mum too if she ever moved his xbox or tried to enforce any house rules.
So they would also fight over his parenting and his oldest sons lack of respect blah blah.
I hated being there, I hated living with them. I hated living with him.
Eventually my partner and I just bit the bullet and even though we couldn't really afford it we moved back to the city. Finally. Free.
They would break up every so often and she would come stay with me, this time was the last time, she swore. It never was, but I would act like it was and give her all the emotional support. Once she called me when I was at uni and it turned out he was doing drugs. Not just pot, but worse. The breakup didn't last long then either.
He had very clear drinking and drug problems and could not hold his liquor. To be clear he has never hit her but he would become toxic, aggressive and try and pick fights.
Once they went on a holiday 5 hours away and had an awful fight because he just wanted to watch TV there and he left and got drunk and hitch hiked home, leaving my mum there. My mum can't drive long distances due to her anxiety so I drove all the way up there to pick her up and take her home. She listened to Taylor Swift and said they were never ever ever getting back together. They did though.
She started to complain that I was judgemental that she would get back with Kyle, and maybe I was... But I was also tired. Tired of putting in the effort, tired of believing her, tired of trying to help, trying to get her away and then she just goes back.
One time I went to their house (they had moved to a bigger place) and I was supposed to stay there the night and go to my aunt's birthday the next day. Which was also serving as a family reunion. I was really excited because there was beloved family I had not seen in many years.
The night before he is drinking. He gets "silly" when drinking and will act like a kid, it is really annoying and I usually just try to ignore it because it is mums problem, not mine.
This time though he starts pinching my side muffin top when I'm sitting on the couch and laughing. I told him to stop. He did it again, like a child, giggling. I told him if he did it again I was going to slap him in the face because it was actually hurting. He did it again and so, true to my word, I slapped him in the face. Now, maybe I shouldn't have but I was really annoyed. It was NOT a hard slap, I did not reel back, it didn't make a loud noise and at most it would have been a bit jarring.
He didn't say anything, he was just quiet and sulky for a few minutes, then he went out into the kitchen and started loudly rummaging around. My mum asked him what he was looking for and he started screaming about how he needed pain medication because I had assaulted him.
He then started screaming at me about how I'm a hypocrite, something about being a feminist but I think it is ok to slap men. I tried to tell him that I had warned him to physically leave me alone but every time I tried to speak he said 'nup, nup nupNUP' and just yelled over me.
Mum had enough of him and she just... Went to bed. She just left me there to deal with this man baby having a tantrum.
I went downstairs to the guest room but I could hear him STOMPING upstairs and I just felt.. So uncomfortable. I decided to leave. It was 3am but I just drove home.
I'm the way back he was sending me text messages asking me to come back, and then telling me that he was going to drive after me and that if he crashed and died it would be my fault. I ignored them and got home. I never got to go to the reunion and I have no idea how long it will be until I see some of that family ever again.
Nothing really came of this, I never got an apology and as always I just kind of... Went along with it. Kept being polite etc etc
OK, so let's skip forward a few years to their most recent fight.
My current partner was having a birthday party (this was in August, I'm not in the US and restrictions had lifted) and he and my mum were supposed to come. I get a call from my mum saying it would be just her. I'm used to this by now.
So she gets here and tells me... I don't know how to keep this brief (tw for sexual assault) she and Kyle got into a fight because it turns out that his eldest, Ryan, had sexually abused his other younger siblings when he was around 14-15, he didn't cut off his son over this, his son said that his own dad Kyle had done it to him and so he did it to his siblings, Kyle denies this and it is hard to know for sure because Ryan is a mess and an abusive liar. So some time after this his son Ryan had a friend due and was feeling sad so his dad told him "I am always so proud of you" and my mum was like... Why are you proud of the son who molested your other two children and accused you of molestation?
It got out of hand, they separated again. However this time she seemed really serious and so did he. He would normally go through cycles of anger, manipulation, helplessness and whatever else to get her to go back but this time he seemed over it. Awesome, yay!
My mum actually found a new place to live, people helped her move, she got her own stuff. She was furious because they split their savings account and he got 20k out of it. He spent the ENTIRE 20k in 2 weeks on drugs and gambling. He was trying to tell her I had hacked into his phone to keep tabs on him (huh? Drug delusion?) and she blocked him on EVERYTHING.
She blocked his number, his email, mutual friends etc as he started to want her back again but she said after spending half their savings in 2 weeks on drugs she could never again.
I visited her at her new flat, she seemed well. I believed. Again. I'm an idiot but it really did seem different this time. She had never moved out before. Never split up savings. Never gotten her own stuff. She was even worried about him finding her. She was scared at night and we were scared for her and my aunt had arranged to be close in case he came and somehow found out where she lived.
I kept having nightmares about her getting back together with him and me having to deal with it, yes these are the kind of nightmares I have lol.
I mentioned it to her and she said nothing and then I got this generic text response "I know everyone means well and is coming from a place of love for me, but when I am having a bad day or moment, I don't really want or need to hear anything about Kyle or anything he is posting etc. I am a big girl and I can make my own choices and decisions with my life, whether they are good or bad, they are mine to make. That doesn't mean I intend to do anything other than take this time for myself. I have no idea what the future looks like, just day by day. "
It gave me a bad feeling that she was allowing the room for these bad choices. But I also felt that I couldn't even have a fear about it without indebting her emotions. But, I reasoned, her emotions mattered more than mine. But I had a feeling... A bad feeling. She was more quiet that usual, more withdrawn and I just knew.
I know this is so long but I'll just copy and paste the texts:
Mum: I feel I need to tell you that I have had conversations with Kyle. I just want to be upfront with you, because I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong
Me: I don't want to be mean, your life is your life... But I can't do this. I don't think you realise that you did prioritise Kyle over me very early in your relationship with me.
You moved him in against what I wanted when I had moved there because I was worried you would die.
I had a really awful living situation there where you gave him literally no boundaries and he didn't really have to respect anything about anyone else.
When he was yelling and yelling at me at the other place, when he was drunk... You did nothing. You went to bed and left me there with him having a tantrum. I told you I was leaving and you did nothing. I missed a family event because I was so uncomfortable and I've never really been comfortable being in your house with him since.
It hurts seeing you in this abusive relationship cycle, I can't help but get invested, I can't help that.
I just... I've spoken a lot about this with Nik (my so) and how much hurt and stress it causes me, and I definitely need therapy of my own to deal with it.
But I don't think I can be as close to you when you are with Kyle. I haven't wanted to bring it up because I don't want to stress you.
But I had literal nightmares about you being back together with Kyle and all that meant when I told you was that I got some generic group text that said not to talk to you about bryan.
I know you feel like you can't cope with my stress when it comes to bryan... But you've felt that way since the beginning of your relationship with Kyle and have prioritised him.
That is your prerogative, you're an adult.
But I can't do this cycle anymore. I think when you two get back together I will have to have some more distance.
You need to prioritise you, I know that. But I can't keep doing this.
Mum asked for some time to digest and I said of course.
Then she sent me this
"I am sorry for how long It has taken me to reply, but just know that I haven't been able to get you out of my head, as my relationship with you extremely important to me. I had a long time to reflect on some of my behaviour over the years and realise that my life had been a rollercoaster and I am sorry that I have taken you on that ride with me.
Do I wish I had handled a lot of things differently, of course I do. I understand that you may have your own emotional issues due to some of these things. I am seeing my therapist regularly and trying to work on the best version of me that I can become.
I will respect your feelings and understand that you need to do what is best for your health and emotional wellbeing. I have, and always will love you Love mum"
And it just... Kind of broke me. Like yes, she recognises my pain and emotions but it was still "I get that you gotta do what you gotta do and I gotta do what I gotta do" I felt cast aside... Again.
I sent her a goodbye message and deactivated Facebook for a while.
A month later she sent me a text saying hi and that she thinks about me every day. I told her I think of her every day too and have a lot of hurt but we both made our choices and she responded "me too".
I sent this, Shelly is my aunt, her sister:
"I wish you had chosen differently. They are your choices but I cannot be involved anymore. There is too much hurt that comes with seeing you get hurt and put him above every other relationship in your life.
I'm sorry. I know you are hurting too. But my hurt goes back a while, talking to Shell really helped me dredge up some of why I'm in so much pain and I cannot let it lay.
You don't see it as you choosing him over me, but I do and I think there is a pattern. That is a big part of why I can't have this in my life.
It causes me pain, but I can't let it go just because I'm always the one to let things go, because there is still that ongoing hurt. It hurts every day, I think about it every day. But having contact and just pretending I am ok is not an option for me anymore. "
That was at the very end of November. I know it is a lot if stuff but this was actually condensed because it is a 9 year relationship.
Ok so this is long already but now I'm at the advice portion. Am I doing the right thing? Am I being selfish? I had bought her a Christmas present and I don't know what to do with it. My dad keeps telling me she is my mum and I can't not talk to her.
But my whole life in the one who forgives and forgets, no matter how much people hurt me. I'm the one who just gets over it, even when it is actively bad for me. And seeing my mum choose this every time hurts, and seeing her choose it over a healthy relationship with me hurts.
I'm worried I'm just being a bad person and a bad daughter. I wish I could just shrug my shoulders and be fine with it... But I can't, I've tried. She always tells me she is too empathetic and too selfless and that she always puts other people first and I've always agreed and tried to help her, talked to her for hours, been her therapist. But after I cut contact I realised. . It wasn't me. She put other people before her in her life. But it wasn't me she would put before her.
But I've even had people tell her, apparently, that I'm just trying to control her life.
This is so long, I'm so sorry. There is so much word vomit and I've never really gone no contact before and I wasn't really prepared for the guilt and shame.

Hey. I've been playing an online game for nearly 5 years now, spent over a thousand euro on accessories etc. Well about a year ago I've quit as my life got very busy as I had a child come into the world, when I was in hospital my bank account detail were stolen and someone spent my entire paycheque on online gambling and shopping but I didn't make much of it as the money was swiftly returned to me by the bank, after a couple months I finally get a breather and try to log into the game that I've played for years only to receive a message that my account has been banned for "account selling", I check my email and find out that someone hacked into my email account (which shared same password as the game) and sold my account to someone else but the attempted to recover the account (I assume to resell it) which resulted in the account getting banned.He used my ID photoshopped with a screen and ticked ID in the background (I've had a picture of my ID saved in email drafts for work related reasons) to "confirm my identity" when dealing with support.
Company is refusing to do anything, constantly telling me that the their "internal tools" are showing that I've sold the account and therefore they won't do anything, other support representative telling me that since it was an "RMT" (Real money trading incident) they will not restore access to my account.
Is there anything I can do or say to them that will possibly push them to either further investigate or downright grant me access to my account? I have exactly one month before the publisher is giving publishing rights back to the developers, before which I need to option out for an account transfer otherwise all my data is lost but due to the ban I'm unable to do an account transfer.

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